Halloween Eve

Working tonight at the dress shop. Taking tomorrow off work and looking forward to Halloween, which is my favorite holiday. We haven't done anything very Halloweenie this year other than decorate the front yard with a slimmed down version of the graveyard scene. MonsterMustDie has no energy for anything and doesn't want me to take anything on alone. Between his health problems with cancer, my back issues that might be sciatica or a torn muscle (my doctor has fired me for not having insurance. I can't afford any insurance without a full-time job.) there's not much to do here. The flood damage in Western North Carolina which means we are not visiting friends in Black Mountain or going to any of the festivals in Brevard or Asheville. Nothing happens here in the WASP retirement village that is High Point, NC. My physical pain is a lot better but I still can't sit at my desk long enough to work on art or go through tutorials to stay up-to-date in the remote chance of getting any freelance work. I do a lot of posting and reading standing up at the kitchen counter when he's not home. When he comes home, I try to be quiet while he spends hours scrolling through Facebook or eBay. When he goes to bed, I can stretch out on the love seat with Bluetooth headphones and watch shows or movies he has no interest in and criticizes me for enjoying, saying it's shallow, stupid, or unsophisticated. When he has control of the TV, he just watches fantasy and Japanese animation. Lately, all he watches is Rings of Power... which has made me kinda hate all the things I used to love about the stories of J.R. Tolkein. I am still struggling with my sorry realtor who has control of my condo in Atlanta. Half of the time, I want to move back there. Half of the time, I feel desperate to gain control of it just long enough to have Cindi sell it so I never have to try to manage a place I'm not currently living in. Then again, if anything happens to MonsterMustDie, I suspect I will be homeless if I don't have a way to escape this place and move back to Atlanta.

silence in the storm

We have the tail of the hurricane blowing through North Carolina today. There were several power outages overnight here. MonsterMustDie went to work as usual this morning. Two days ago, my Samsung 9+ cell phone died. It would start up and then the screen would go completely black except for a thin bar of green at the top. It was off and on the first night so I hoped it was fixable. Then it went black with the green bar permanently. I think I even heard a faint crackle from inside the phone when I held down the buttons trying to restart or shut down. So I went to the Verizon location near me with my non-functioning phone. Of course, they said I needed a new phone. Of course, they tried to up-sale me on services and even wrote up a bundle for me including streaming services, which I never use on cell phones and, even if I wanted to do that, John Stephens already has paid subscriptions to Netflix, etc. and I made the woman serving me strike streaming paid services off the contract. They did not take my old phone in a trade-in and didn't want me turning it in there because they said there was no way they could securely dispose of it or erase/reset the device. So I decided to try a Pixel this time. The new phone does not work. I got home and tried to go through the login procedure for Verizon and it put me in an endless cycle of requiring an SMS text for an access number to plug into my new Pixel phone. Since I don't have a functioning phone yet, I can't read or recieve a text or make a call out to customer service. I tried to use the chat bot and it told me service was down and to try again later. So, I still have no phone for now even though I'm now paying a lot more for no service.

Looking forward to Autumn

I still have problems with my back and side that I've had since mid-April. It's gotten better but really has not improved as quickly as it should have. My doctor, who seems to have fired me or at least refuses to see me, simply labeled it as sciatica and told me it would probably be better in a few weeks. Months later, it's still a problem but I can at least sit in a car more than 10 minutes now. Brian and Laura sent me a lumbar pillow like the one that he depended on and it does seem to help on longer journeys. Only my doctor's PA and one physical therapist have seen me. After several weeks of reporting on my pain via MyChart, I had an x-ray to make sure it wasn't a bad disk or pinched nerve and one appointment with a therapist, who gave me a list of exercises to do daily.

Meanwhile, like I said, there has been some improvement. Maybe I'll be well enough to travel again by next year. Meanwhile, I've been stuck at home most of the time.

We were able to make the longest road trip since my injury to Raleigh, which is an hour drive away, to see a friend who lives in California performing at The Reeves Theatre last Saturday. It was great to see and hear live music and to visit with a pal I haven't seen in a long time.

I'm still well enough to look forward to Halloween. We're (I'm) already planning to start decorating the yard soon with our Spooky Lady graveyard and pumpkins. I've already bought a few bags of candy. I found popcorn balls in the shelf at Target yesterday and I couldn't resist picking some up to stash away for Trick-or-Treaters.

I hope I'm in even better shape by December. I've got no solid Christmas plans, as usual, but Karen and Bob will probably be around to spend Christmas day with this year. Christmas eve, I will no doubt be working at the dress shop. I already put in RTO for the Scandinavian Christmas Market, a one-day event at the fairgrounds, and Winter Solstice.

As a retail worker, I can't expect any other time off between the beginning of November and the middle of January. I wish I had some good side-gigs that I could do at home. Mostly, I just stay knotted into a ball of anxiety here due to my isolation and ignorance of what to do about stressers like my realtor in Atlanta who doesn't want to pay me, what to do about getting on Medicare but not yet on Social Securty — so I have extra costs for that — and the fact that I pay too much to Adobe every month to keep my software for Creative Suite apps that I can't yet bear to let go of even though they are not paying for themselves but giving me any work here.

The Crown is gone. Long live the new crown.

This just happened. We went to the cinema to see Deadpool and the entire top of my back molar came off while I was eating popcorn, five minutes into watching the movie. I must have swallowed it because I didn't notice it until I felt the void with my tongue. The popcorn wasn't that hard. I suppose it was already about to break off anyway. Fortunately, my dentist was able to see me today and I already have a new crown 3-D printed and installed. I hope this crown lasts a lot longer than the first one which, I think, was put in 2017. That does not seem long enough for it to need to be replaced. Still, I am very grateful that they were able to fix this in one day.

I feel like I know nothing about how to advocate for myself.

I was looking forward to my second physical therapy appointment on Tuesday. I put in notice as soon as I made the appointment to be off work that day at the dress shop... which they chose to completely ignore. They scheduled me on top of the appointment time so I had to decide whether to stay employed, even if it is a low-pay part-time job, or get the medical care I have trying to start for months. I cancelled the appointment and will try to reschedule it on Monday. Then I'll just hope that I'm able to be off work that day because RTO requests are nothing I can count on here and they ultimately do not give anyone a predictable schedule in retail. Woke up in a decent mood and now, after seeing the new schedule, I'm feeling defeated again. I still have too much pain to travel anywhere by car. No one wants to see me without insurance. No one wants to help me apply for Social Security or Medicare when I turn 65 in October. Meanwhile, EVERYONE is sending me invitations to buy medicare or social security "services" from them .

the realtor problem continues

I'm still trying to get realtor Todd Jilot out of my condo.  Freezing my account and moving my money was working for a while but now he's trying something new. This a past week,  out of the blue, he put $400 into my bank account.  It's not time for rent payments and that is much less than what I'm due. 

I will try to phone him about that on Monday after I speak to the forensic accountant that a friend referred me to. 

anxiety

MonsterMustDie put off dealing with his prostate cancer until surgery, which would have been the fast one-and-done solution, is no longer an option. I am furious with him for avoiding everything out of his fear of surgery. Now the cancer is trying to spread and the only viable option is the 24-month course of hormone-suppression/chemo and, ultimately, radiation treatments. It's especially bad because this is also a treatment that might make his memory decline even faster.

All I do is worry and I can't seem to shut off my anxiety. It impairs my own ability to function, to sleep, to focus on everything else that I should already be dealing with like getting the con-man who is supposed to be managing my condo in Atlanta out of it. I froze my bank account so he stopped taking money out of it. Now, he can only deposit money but he's still screwed up my taxes, claiming I made much more than he paid me. It's become apparent I can no longer manage taking care of my condo long-distance like I have been. I need to sell it, once this realtor is gone from my life, and put the money in a CD of some sort.

I need to learn what I have to do to file for Social Security and Medicare this year. What to do and what not to do. How does it work? There's no one here to help me with that, except Karen, and she doesn't have time between teaching college again and traveling out of the country.

I really need help with all of these things.

sleep issues with an old man in the house

MonsterMustDie woke up at 4:00AM today. Then he made coffee and crept around the house before settling in front of his computer. Inevitably, despite his attempts to be quiet, the sounds in the house and the smell of fresh coffee woke me up. I checked on him and went back to bed, pulling the sheet over my head and I refused to get up until the alarm went on at 7:00AM. Three hours sleep robbed from me and, although I know it's nothing he can control about himself, I reserve the right to be disgruntled.

Good Morning

I woke up feeling well this morning. No neck or back ache. No head ache. I don't know why. Yesterday, we went to breakfast at First Watch, where I had the Healthy Turkey omelet. MonsterMustDie had the Avocado Toast. We both had Kale Tonics and MonsterMustDie finished with a Bloody Mary before we left. We spent most of the day doing light yard work. Even though he said he was finished adding to the landscape, he continues to add new plants that he buys. We ended up arguing over the placement of what will be a very large shrub that he bought this week. I told him to just stick it in the ground anywhere he wanted to and asked him to please never ask me again where or what to do because he always has already decided what and where to put things. He has an annoying habit of insisting on me agreeing to whatever he likes even when I hate it or I foresee inevitable problems with his decisions. He won't stop until I say it's a great idea and I'm thrilled with it. This happens with everything here. Dinner last night was Swedish meatballs and gravy, purchased frozen from IKEA, along with wild rice, as the starch, and sauteed fresh yellow squash and onions. After dinner, we watched an episode of Picard season 2 while I finished the night with a Dowager Countess cocktail. It was a pretty good day.

Healthy Turkey Omelet  with Kale Tonic

this week and today

 Wednesday, Valentines Day, we re-watched WereWolf by Night on Disney, which I enjoyed. I gave MonsterMustDie a Wednesday Valentine card. He gave me flowers. Then we had our weekly Zoom visit with with Brian and Laura. 

Thursday was a long day working on my feet at the dress shop. They scheduled me 9:30AM to 5:00PM and I stayed an extra hour because someone didn't show up for work but they released me at 6:00PM after shuffling a few people around. I was tired so I went to bed early. Woke up for a while during the night but I was able to go back to sleep. 

Today was the 3-doctor consultation at Duke Cancer Center at 8:00 AM.  I kept saying we should  be on the road by 6:00 at the latest.  MonsterMustDie kept insisting that, because the navigation app said the trip was just over one hour, we could wait until after 6:30. Guess who was correct because the other person refused to count on time to park or morning traffic or their requests to arrive early  for paperwork or just finding the correct office. We pulled up hot at 8:00 and I let him out at the front door before I went on to park and walk back. 

Afterwards,  we had lunch at Blue Corn Cafe. Quite tasty,  in a feminine environment. 

how I am

It's a lot of different things going on. I guess we are ok for now. I am entering my constant tax anxiety that happens every year until my income taxes are filed and paid. We will, hopefully, be able to make a treatment plan for MonsterMustDie's prostate cancer after his appointment at Duke on Friday. His memory is getting worse but that's a very slow process. If he could stay in good spirits and find a way to be less angry, that would help me a lot. He really isn't aware of how much he forgets and he refuses to talk about it or get any sort of testing or professional advice about it. He simply will not deal with it and now, with his cancer diagnosis, is not the time to put that at the top of the list. It looks like I am stuck with the realtor who is managing my condo for now because it will cost a lot to get rid of him. Meanwhile, to deal with him, I've had to move all of my money and freeze that bank account to keep him out of it. He's claiming my condo made over $8700 in the 6 months he managed it even though my bank records assure me he's only put in a little over $3400 in my account. Most of that was after I froze the account so he couldn't keep sucking the money back out. I don't think I can keep trying to manage my place in Atlanta long distance any more unless this works out eventually. I have always considered my condo to be my lifeline back to Atlanta. I still can't find a full-time job. I make less money now since I don't have the income from the condo. I still don't have any health insurance. Otherwise, I'm fine. I'm healthy and I have shelter, a car, and a cell phone and that's all I really need for now.

consciousness

I really don't seem to pay attention to anything around me anymore. I think I'm spending too much time inside myself. When I'm not worrying about things I feel helpless about, I'm just going through the moves without looking at anyone or giving anything much thought.

adventures in retail

I spend a lot of time in my isolated corner of the dress shop looking at what customers are wearing. 

12-19-2023

I saw a man wearing a t-shirt with a grey & black US flag on the front saying "Live Free" and the words on back say "The final variant is communism".

I have no idea what that means.  

A couple of days later, I saw a T-shirt featuring the US black variant with a blue stripe that said "they shall be known as the children of God." 

dealing with doctors

MonsterMustDie had his second meeting with his doctor. I brought my notebook to write thing's down. 

I was not going to try to shake his doctor's hand or even speak to him at all after last visit's limp handshake until he came up to me and held out his hand to me. I reached out and got another limp hand from the doctor and no eye contact. He might as well have asked me to pull his finger, as how stupid it made me feel to try to shake his hand. 

The good news from last week's PET scan is the cancer has not spread outside the prostate. 

Then, his doctor gave us two options, speaking rapidly,  that he could do surgery, which has a small chance of permanent incontinence but can also be followed with radiation if necessary or do radiation, which might not work and is very difficult or impossible to follow with surgery. Then he wanted to schedule surgery while MonsterMustDie was still trying to understand what he said.  Instead,  he opted to have a consultation with the radiologist before making a decision.  We go back in four weeks.