rant

Forgive me for complaining. Please look away if you don't want to be brought down. I just have to get this out now and then.

I hate living in my current situation without the steady income that would give me the freedom to live independently. It's like living alone without any of the benefits of shaping my own life. I miss the freedom to come and go as I please and take part in things that really interest me. I hate living without love or sex or shared activities that I feel should be part of a relationship. I hate feeling like I am always on a leash. I hate the feeling of impending doom from my withering savings. I do not want to be here.

All of this was made especially painful today by the fact that I have no prospects at the moment and no temp work this week. I had a bit of work editing photoshop files for friends last week, which I am very grateful for, but that work has already run dry and I don't see anything else coming to me any time soon. My room mate is more controlling as time goes on. My taxes still aren't done and that is hanging heavily over me and the room mate, who said he would do them two weeks ago, still has not touched that job and I don't have a CPA to do it for me.

Lack of money affects how I socialize, how I eat, how healthy a lifestyle I can keep, my appearance, my ability to travel. I don't qualify for any sort of college loan and no real college will let me start classes with out a guarantee of a loan. Even if I do find a way to go back to school, I am apparently too old to be hired by anyone so I still have to fend for myself regardless of whether I have a new degree or certification of any sort. I am over qualified to be hired in anything simple like retail and I have no recent retail experience because I have worked so long in corporate or specifically skilled jobs.

My 401k and retirement funds disappeared when my father died and my brother said he had no idea where they were. I suspect that I have paid a large part of my niece and nephew's college education. When I changed jobs, I let my father handle moving the 401k to my mutual funds account. My father put my brother in charge of my funds before he died. It was not a huge fortune that would keep my for the rest of my days, but it was a substantial amount that might have funded classes, new equipment, and independence. The only income I have these days is the rent I get from my condo. I'm not sure if that small amount is worth it by the time I pay my half of the rent here. It keeps me afloat but just barely.

Anyway, life would be happier if I had at least one or two of these things I lack. A job would solve most of my problems immediately. I always seem to be tied down by one thing or another in this life. I run from captivity into a box. I form relationships with people who move to places I can not follow them to. I pick the wrong industry to make my career in.