Adjusting to Loss

I just got off the phone with someone I know who is a carpenter. Kinda morbid conversation - he lost his thumb working last week and wants to see old photos I have of him with his thumb. He is longing for it. And I do have some very good photos of both of his hands.

And yet he says he isn't really depressed about it yet though his doctor assures him that depression over it will definitely come. I hope he manages that part of his recovery and adjustment to life as an amputee. I remember how depression over a much worse disability ended the life of one of my best friends years ago. He is a strong man who accepts that life always includes pain and sorrow and decline - that it is our attitude about it and action in response to it that makes all the difference. I think that acceptance will shield him from a lot of the rougher edges.

fading lights

My grandmother Crowe is still in ICU. Mother and my oldest uncle are at her side as much as they can.

On the other side of things, babies are sprouting everywhere. I've been looking forward to the baby welcome party for Deb and Kev on Sunday. I also got a baby shower invitation from one cousin this week, I think for the same day. That cousin's sister is due to have her baby this Friday, if it doesn't come sooner. Urghh... D&K or my cousin. Normally family would come first with no hesitation, but my family is so very not in touch with me and this same cousin did not invite me to her last baby shower twelve years ago. D&K's gathering will be happy, loving people that I see fairly often and I am dying to see their new baby daughter. I guess this all depends on hourly schedule and whether I make it out to go shopping for shower gifts this week.

And in the end, everything hangs on my grandmother's future.

gray state

Monster is in town for flea markets and just hanging out. There are voices of ghosts from the past in the electrical ether.

My mother phoned last night to tell me that they'd had to put my remaining grandmother - the one I love and am close to - in ICU the previous evening. No information on what's wrong exactly, only my mother's frustration at what she perceives to be the doctors' complete disinterest in treating or diagnosing my grandmother, who turned 90 in June. Of course, all family information is rationed out through a distorted filter most of the time, so all I can do is wait for the next call. There are no visitors for her other than my mother and uncles for the time being. My mother tells me that my grandmother is too out of it to really communicate or notice anyone now, even if they did visit her.

This year is turning into quite a season of death.

Overslept. Broke. Too much Sake.

I over slept this morning. After having a really bad headache night before and taking and exedrinePM, I was laying in bed all comfortable and quiet and then I realized the sun was coming in - and it wasn't Saturday! The alarm was on but either I had managed to sleep completely through it or the thunderstorm last night knocked it out. Anyway I frantically got ready for work as quickly as possible and headed out. My boss was very cool about it, thankfully, and just thanked me for calling in while I was on my way there.

I didn't get a paycheck today. Apparently this is a company that pays bi-weekly so I am cash poor this week in a big way.

Went out with the boy next door and spent twice as much as I 'd budgeted for dinner. Jeepers! Those guys drink a lot of sake. Naturally, since the whole table was going in on it, I shared equally in what they ordered. I am a bit hazey tonight. The colors are not as brilliant as they usually are but its all warm and cozy here at least.

very tired

This weekend was very busy - in a good way. Went to Chattanooga with Monster on Saturday and spent most of the day shopping for antiques. Also saw a fantastic storm - the kind that's so heavy you can't see the other side of the parking lot. And we still had time to go to the Aquarium before heading back to Atlanta.

Sunday was Joy's birthday party, organized by her loving husband and filled with tons of great food, drink and friends.

Monday after work, we made it to the Variety Playhouse to see The Finn Brothers. Good music show. They've aged quite well.

Tonight is my first evening of rest. Tomorrow is going to be busy with software classes that I signed up for over a month ago. And then maybe, just maybe, I might see a play I've supposedly won free tickets to - that all depends if they arrive in the mail or not by the time I get home in the afternoon. Otherwise I'll be happy at this point to sleep tomorrow.

Reasons to be hopeful

Jobs come and jobs go more quickly now. Less than two weeks at my last job, which paid well but didn't last long enough and was way too far to drive every day. Now I have a new job in just three days. That's a record for re-employment for me. Maybe Monster is right and the economy really is getting better. I will try to take this as a positive sign.

Meanwhile, J is having to sell her house and consider moving with her son to her parents' house in Conyers. This is because: 1. ex-husband took all her money. 2. her entire department at the company she's been with for years is going to be outsourced to Canada.

We are all too old to need to depend on our parents as much as we must for support but that's the condition of my generation. Two of my much younger, highly educated neighbors are somehow making money on online gambling - poker. Who knew you could actually make a significant amount of money at that? And I've also met someone who is filling in the gaps in their income as a professional backgammon player. I obviously have never had a clue on how many ways there are to make money. Not having ever been a gamer, I don't know if gambling is really the answer for me but I am trying to remain open to new possibilities.

Life on a thin branch

My right breast (same side as my gimpy arm) has a burning sensation in it when anything rubs across it (like when I'm lifting something). I can't decide whether to worry about it or not. I'll wait a couple more weeks to see if it gets better on its on before seeing a doctor about it. Meanwhile, I'm taking saw palmetto supplements (which Monster also tells me is good for men - prostate).

Murray was in town this weekend but I didn't get to spend any time with him. Would have loved to but he was being a jerk about wanting me to himself and not wanting to be around my friends or Monster. Especially Monster. Fine - just be a selfish crybaby Mr. Married With Children who acts like he's looking for some play. Not. He just can't be friends and he never could seem to be anything else that has a word in English for it either.

Mom phoned tonight to say that Dad isn't doing well at all this week. He's not eating again and has taken to his bed for the last several days without getting out of it. His breathing is fine. His doctor couldn't find anything wrong on examination this week. He's just unable to eat and has no energy. I don't know anything to do or say. My Uncle Ron, the good brother that he is, came over to the house and helped her with a few things she couldn't reach or do (like changing those high-up lights, etc.) and took her shopping for electronics. Thanks to Georgia Power and a surge they had, my parents house and six others behind them had everything that was on ruined and in need of replacement. Fortunately, the electric company seems to be very cooperative and has stated they'll reimburse her for the damage.

Last night Monster and I watched Life Force on DVD. What a cheesy movie. I'm afraid he was a bit offended that I referred to it as a silly B-Movie. Then he was making jokes along ahead of me while watching the rest of the DVD. It does have a brief appearance of the sexually ambiguous Patrick Stewart, which was kinda cool.

I need to get cable in time to watch the new Farscape mini-series.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, my day of rest. The rest of the week should be booked up with Monster, friends, and interviews.

Parade. Rain. Friends and family

Sunday around 1:00 I walked down to the park to catch the pride parade, camera in hand. Great fun. Nice folks all around. The main theme of the parade was equality in marriage laws. Many floats and costumes featuring weddings. The weather stayed beautiful and sunny for the entire parade. In almost perfect timing about 10 or 15 minutes after the parade passed through midtown the skies opened up and it rained for the rest of the day and evening. Monster and I hung out at Asada, which was nearly empty because of the constant downpour, drinking, eating and chatting with Liz at the bar. It was a chill-out night after the funeral saturday. The large part of his father's departure is over and the sorting out of his life and possessions will be going on for the next few weeks.

a long day

Last night, around 9PM, Mom phoned and said she was going with me and Dad to the funeral. She gave me a wake up call this morning at 7AM. I still managed to roll over and sleep another hour before getting up. Still made it to the house in good time to leave.

We showed up a bit early and ate lunch at the old family restaurant just up the street from the funeral home. It was an unchanged 60s style southern restaurant. Game trophies all over the walls and ceiling. Very clean, but the tables, cabinets and fixtures were obviously the same ones that had been there for the last 30 or 40 years. Very worn and with that patina from years of use. Mom and I got the vegetable plate. Dad had the smoked sausage dinner with lemon rice pudding for desert.

We went into the funeral home, signed the book for John's family, and looked at the family scrapbooks laid beside the casket. Then we waited on the divan in the hall for John and his mother to arrive. The funeral was conducted by the pastor of the Stephens family southern baptist church. A bit long winded and very fundamentalist. Dad nodded off twice during the sermon. Fortunately, when my father falls asleep, his head goes straight forward he's silent enough to make you think he's in prayer or meditation. I saw other nodding head that sorta went off to the side. It was a military funeral and graveside service. The most touching part to me was the folding of the flag. Mom said she was the most moved by hearing taps played. It is amazing how much my mother can talk to absolute strangers. As we got into the car and headed back, she seemed to know the complete history of the family and their friends. Dad did really well on the trip. I was quite happy to see how well he was for traveling. Once we got back to Smyrna, we stopped and went out to eat again for dinner before finally returning to their house. I changed into jeans and visited a while longer with them before heading home.

Talked to John a while on the phone when I got in. Made plans for his arrival tomorrow. Took a benedryl after being around the pups so long at my parents house. And now, with any luck, sleep will come soon.

It's a strange week here. Getting stranger.

Yesterday morning, John's father passed away. He'd been suffering from numerous illnesses for a long time. I told John last night I'd go to the funeral with him. I planned to get up early Saturday morning, drive to Pell City, Alabama to be with him and his family and drive home after the funeral to be back in Atlanta before dark. It's a two-hour trip each way.

This morning my father phoned apparently not long after he'd gotten up and informed me that he was going with me to John's father's funeral in Pell City, Alabama. I had not told my family I was already planning to drive there for it so that was not a influence in my father's thoughts. Personally, I don't really know if Dad is really up to four hours on the road in one day. He's been a bit out of breath these days. Taking a road trip alone with my Dad, something we've never done, at a time when his health is already delicate is really going to be a task.

Slow Day

Had two interviews scheduled this week, today and tomorrow. The interview today was for a marketing company in a sales trainee position. It was a long shot but might have been a good thing to learn about. The interviewer for Wednesday cancelled on me, unfortuntately. Hopefully more will phone and schedule me for later this week and next.

Hung out a home puttering around. Went out to EyeDrum in the evening to see the ongoing exhibit as well as live music performances. It was a good decision to get out and go where I could see something new and people present know me.

Thankful for a cool breeze

Fortunately, Saturday was much cooler and pleasant than I feared. We were under a shelter beside the lake and a cool breeze kept up all day. My grandmother had a great time. She was all smiles for everyone who came to celebrate her birthday with her. The family had the usual fare of fried chicken (though now from the grocery, not home fried - too many of us for that), deviled eggs, those strange hard sweet little pickles, fruit trays, etc.

Went by the new restaurant later that evening. Nick seems to be really enjoying working there. Joy was working her last regular night but planning to still come in occasionally. Ian is working the bar now. The whole Grateful Gluttons family is involved with the place. It 's really sweet and beautiful now.

My japanese name is ?? Kojima (small island) ?? Yumi (beautiful bow, as in bow and arrow).
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