Test flight

Today, Mother got in. Her car and drove to Chick-fil-A to pick up dinner. She was able to leave her walker outside the drivers side of the car and get back to it when she returned. When she got back, while the car was out, I went up the steps into the storage space and found the light weight hospital walker and brought it down. She hasn't tried moving it in and out of the car yet but it is one more step for her getting by without me there. At the very least, she can go to drive-through services like banks, fast food, and the RiteAid pharmacy. 

Down from the ledge

After picking Mother up at dialysis, we had our post-clinic dinner at O' Charley's. She said their rolls are a favorite of hers and my uncle Ron. It's a basket of four soft yeast rolls slathered with butter and baked just until browned. The heavy meal didn't sit well in my stomach at first. I believe the slices of pumpkin pie we took home for breakfast later will be much better. 

As we drove in to her neighborhood, we met up with uncle Ron, who had come to check in on her. I had left a voicemail earlier when I was melting down. 

Now Mother is sitting on the couch crying again at the thought of me leaving. "Sis, you make a good nurse." 

She can't drive herself

I am here past my planned exit date now. I took mother to her dialysis treatment this morning. As we were getting into her car, I watched her try to put her walker into the back seat. She couldn't do it. She could not even begin to lift the walker to push it in. Then she started talking about how no one has time to help her. She brought a lot of this on herself by refusing to compromise her lifestyle and then telling everyone she could drive herself everywhere because Doctor Starnes said she could when he was only referring to her shoulder injury. After dropping her off at the medical center, I started descending into an anxiety attack. I tried to phone every family member I could. No one was available to talk. 

Once I pulled myself back together, I ran a few shopping errands and came back to clean the garage a bit more and put things away. Every time I start thinking about the pickle I'm in now, I start spiraling downward. 

Trapped is how I feel. Falling without a parachute. 

The crazy continues

Spent this afternoon driving Mother around so she could move bank accounts. More of this will go on Wednesday because the last bank we went to was already closed for the day by the time we got there. I get the impression she trying to do all of this without my brother's knowledge despite the fact that he is her financial adviser and has right of attorney on all of her accounts. 

Meanwhile, it looks like I will be trapped here until Friday at this point. I am starting to feel anxiety constantly now. My heart races. I tense up everywhere and I can't speak. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was a child and I can't get over this irrational fear that I'm never getting out of here. 

The undoing

When I woke up this morning, the dogs were in the carport eagerly peeing and pooping. I immediately let the dogs back in and cleaned up all but the urine on the abandoned stationary bicycle (I get to that after breakfast, during her therapist visit) and put down fresh pee pads everywhere. I said nothing. She said she had to let them go indoors because it's raining outside and she doesn't want wet dogs. "This is what I'll have to do when you're gone." She then calls to cancel an appointment with a woman named Luanne, who was going to discuss coming in to assist her around the house, telling her she won't need her now that mother has permission from Dr. Starnes to drive. She doesn't want to pay anyone who has to work in 4-hour blocks of time rather than as needed, either. 

It seems like she's already punishing me for trying to go home this week. Everything is punctuated with "when you're gone". This makes me want to leave sooner than later. It's like everything wrong here will be my fault when I leave. *sigh* 

Update: 

Cleaned the rest of the spots in the carport. Although I won't call it truly clean, it is a lot cleaner than it was before I got here. There is still filth all along the edge of the walls but I have cleaned and wiped down surfaces and covered what I could on the floor. I cleaned out the second refrigerator in the garage and threw out ancient opened wine that had become expensive vinegar and strangely bloated and bent aluminum cans. There are still several bottles of sparkling wine left to an uncertain future and one spot of solid crystallized puddle on one door shelf that I have not yet been able to entirely remove. 

A visit with the O'Briens

Sunday, when my mother has no appointments, is once again my only chanc to leave the house for a little while. Today's activity was driving to Roswell to visit Nicky & Sean to catch up for a while (mostly, me venting about my life at this moment) and picking up some succulent plants that were left over from the table decorations at their marriage ceremony a few weeks ago. Now, the little plants are in a box in the floor of my car and hopefully they will survive there until I can get them home. I am already thinking of different settings indoors for our new oxygen-producers. 

My mother, who no longer cooks but loves to watch QVC, bought a new food processor while I was out walking the dogs. I was surprised she didn't buy herself some of the Iman designer clothing they were selling before I took the dogs out, since she was going on about how nice the coats looked. She told me that I'll inherit the food processor when I gave a look to question the necessity of another appliance. I told her I already have a nice one at  home - what I need in the kitchen is a slow cooker and Dutch oven. She pulled out two small old fashioned crock pots from a cabinet in the garage and told me to take them home. At least that's some clutter I remove from what's out there. Our house is already far too full of stuff but I plan to make some big Goodwill donations of useful junk as soon as I get home. That will give me some small thing to do while I start the search for work and occupation from the beginning again. I had to drop or quit what little I had going on, that I've spent a year building, to be here helping her. 

Mother tells me that my brother's family returned from Italy this morning, according to my nephew. I hope to hear from my sister-in-law tomorrow or Tuesday, telling me that I am relieved of my service here. It is a pity that I'll have no Halloween, my favorite holiday, for the second year in a row. It is sad that I have now missed any opportunity to work seasonal jobs this year since everyone will have finished all of their holiday hiring in October. I am starting my second year in North Carolina in worse shape than I started last year. 

Early Saturday

Took mother in for an earlier-than-usual dialysis treatment today. Saturdays do occasionally start at different times than weekdays. My mother says that is the day when the techs sometimes like to have an early start and finish to their day, when doctors offices and other businesses are closed. Seems quite understandable to me. I am sure they like to have a larger block of personal time on the weekend. 

Doctor Starnes office

Mother had an appointment this morning with her orthopedic doc. They did an x-ray of her injured shoulder. 

He wants to see her again in 6 weeks. Dr. Starnes gave her permission to drive again and prescribed more physical therapy. 

Falls and pins

Last night I could hear my mother scolding her dogs with lines like "No Maggie! Bad girl!" Figuring the dogs had pooped in the bedroom again, I went back to sleep and ignored everything else coming from her room that night. Usually, I have to sleep with earplugs in. When I got up and came into the dining room this morning, she told me at one point during the night she had nearly fallen out of bed and was pinned on her bad arm. Fortunately she was eventually able to roll over and move off the edge of the bed. 

This evening after walking the dogs I came in she was on the floor in front of the clothes dryer, unable to get up. I could not lift her because she was dead weight. We had to phone my uncle Ron to help getting her up. Ron and I were able together to lift her onto a low stool and from there she was able to to be lifted up to her walker. After she was up, he stayed a few minutes to talk and visit until she felt better emotionally. He came up with the very good suggestion of getting the phone number of the nearest fire department so she could have that phone number ready next time we need help getting her up. 

Wednesday

Time for a rant.

I spent most of the day at the dining table, surfing Facebook repeatedly while Mother watched the news, game shows and daily TV like The Chew. Her first appointment with the occupational therapist canceled on her because the therapist has a child in the hospital. The second appointment of the day phoned to reset the time a bit later in the day.  Most of the day was spent waiting on different things. After Mother's therapy,  we went out for pedicures.  Then we had dinner before going home. 

Over dinner,  she brought up the inevitable subject of extending my stay with her. She said it was supposed to rain later in the week and it would be too dangerous for me to go home in bad weather.  She said there's no one to take care of her after I go home. I reminded  her that I already have plans to resume my life after the 27th and that the rest of the family would be back by then. I also mentioned that uncle Ron was on the mend and already driving again.

We went back to the house and fed the dogs, I phoned MonsterMustDie while I walked them. When I got back inside she was on the phone with Ron. She turns to me after the phone saying Ron told her I "posted" that I was leaving.  I  told her I only emailed the family yesterday to remind them when I needed to go home - on October 27 (and what she needs so they can plan accordingly ). My uncle seems to think I should stay with my mother indefinitely  (permanently).

Apparently my life means nothing to anyone but me.

Ongoing health problems

Advil hurts the kidneys.  Tylenol hurts the liver.  Mother is advised to avoid Advil. She is still trying to get an antibiotic prescription for a UTI she's had for weeks.  Her doctors aren't concerned about it, I suppose,  because she doesn't complain about constant pain - it only bothers her when she urinates.

Poop

The first thing I did this morning was clean dog poop off the floor of my mother's bedroom. After cleaning poop off the living room and sun room floor in the morning previously, I have been trying to convince my mother that the dogs should crated at night. She insists on having them in the bed with her at night. Yesterday she said she would close the bedroom door at night to keep the from jumping down and pooping in the house. Now, the dogs will pee or poop in her room rather than waiting for their morning walk. I can't force her to crate the dogs at night. There's nothing I can do here to change how she chooses to live. 

I feel like I am only enabling her at this point. I am counting the days until I can leave. Sunday, Sandy chuckled "You thought High Point was bad but now I'll bet you can't wait to go home." She is so right about that. Just when I think my life has reached an all time low, it got worse. I want out of here! 

Dogs

Sunday afternoon is my once a week chance to go into Atlanta from Kennesaw. It's the one day when there are no appointments for therapists, doctors, or medical procedures for my mother. This week I went down to East Atlanta Village to visit Sandy while she volunteered at Dogtober Fest, working at the charity raffle table. Charlie joined us at the end of the event and the three of us got to hang out together for a little while at the Flatiron bar before I had to head back to feed and walk dogs. 

Woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m. to a dog announcing two spots of poop in the living room. I cleaned the floor and took them out for a walk. Then I put them in their crate for the rest of the night.  Normally, they spend the night sleeping in bed with my mother until she wakes up in the morning. 

Well, now

Thankfully,  my brother phoned my mother last night to let her know the family is going to Italy.  I really was afraid they weren't going to tell her but,  at last, he did.
And now,  I expect that is  the last peep out of them until after their return.  I will absolutely not interrupt their vacation for anything. 

Tyranny of the Calender

I spent this morning listening to my mother cancel appoinments that she could easily make today just because she doesn't feel like going in. These are appoinments that are much easier to do with me driving her everywhere, taking her to the door, then parking the car by myself and picking her up at the door later. 

Then I walked the dogs and returned phone calls outside, where I could have a private, uninterrupted conversation.  

Now, she has filled Friday, the same day she knows MonsterMustDie is driving down from North Carolina to visit me, with appoinments all day. He will have to chase us down or kill time elsewhere until late in the day. 

Night Frights

So now,  my mother tells me that she can't stand for me to be out after dark.  She is afraid it is too dangerous for me to be out driving alone. 

So, here I sit.

Two more weeks of this to go and my sister-in-law still has not told her that their entire family is going to Italy on Friday.  Everyone will be gone for 10 days,  leaving me holding the bag.

Clothes Everywhere

She is concerned that she can't find hangers for all the things I washed and folded this week.

The fridge

Today's project was beginning to clean out the second refrigerator/freezer that my Mother has in her garage. Several things had burst open in it and the bottom has a pool of dark sugary goo that is taking lots of warm soapy water to dissolve enough to wipe out. I should have taken a photo of how full it was before I started. I am almost half way though it, trying to throw out as little as possible when everything should be tossed out. I found half gallon containers of juice expiration dated for 2011 that I poured down the drain. There was a burst wine bottle that looked like the cork had been shot out of if like a gun, which was probably the biggest part of the mess. There was an entire 6-pack of Sprite that was bulging with rounded tops about to pop.  

The amount of crazy hoarding here is frustrating. I am trying to tread lightly as possible while continuing to clean as much as I can. No one in my family knows what they are putting me through with this. She is sun downing every night and now she gets upset when I am out of her sight. If I make it through this month, I am never doing this again. 

Tired.So very tired.

Taking care of my mother, her house, and her dogs is a nonstop job.
I have run shopping errands, done a ton of laundry, assisted with shower and dressing, and walked both dogs several times today. I haven't had a shower myself since Monday morning. I also can't sleep well here baca use of the smell and heat.

My next task will be trying to clean the floors here. I don't set foot on the wooden floors without shoes on because they're so sticky.

Scarves

Just some of the scarves she has in mounds.  There are also drawers completely filled with slips or completely filled under pants, ect.

Toasty

My mother keeps her place warm and there isn't a window I can open in the bedroom.  I'm just laying on the bed sweating and listening to her TV in the den. Not gonna have much sleep here.

Jam Packed Here

Mother has more than a few pairs of shoes.  She has a gazillion of everything.

post weekend

We are back in North Carolina after another whirlwind trip to Atlanta. We stayed with friends in the old neighborhood again while we visited my mother and attended the wedding of friends.

Mother seems to be doing much better physically. She got two units of blood on Thursday and another two units on Friday. She also had her dialysis treatments in the hospital without any worries about transportation. By Sunday, her doctor had given her a lighter sling to keep her arm in rather than the tight, stiff one that held her arm so close to her  body.  She wants to go home. She is terrified of going back to the rehab center. She does not want to be in the hospital. She is having evening anxiety attacks every day now, which sounds like something I've heard described as "sundowning" in the past. She feels abandoned and under informed by her doctors.

All this, and my brother and sister-in-law have not yet told her about their trip to Italy. I told them she needs to know before they leave on the trip because I do not want to be the one who breaks the news to her and she needs to know that I'm planning to take care of her while they're out of the country. I got a voice mail from my uncle Ron while I was in the shower this morning. He sounded tired and concerned. The message is just "Give me a call back. I need to talk with you about your mother. I don't understand what's going on." He has knee surgery scheduled in the morning and I know she is very worried about it. I've left a voice mail reply. Then I phoned my sister-in-law. I haven't heard back from either of them yet.

In other news -

Nicky and Sean's wedding vow ceremony was beautiful, sweet, and funny. It was a huge collaboration of friends putting the event together in a very personal and creative way. Her family were able to be there and they are just as funny and sweet as she is. With the exception of the wedding party, the couple have cut out drinking and any other unhealthy habits and are actively trying to conceive their first child. I will look forward to future announcements/progress reports on that family project.