soft in the head

 MonsterMustDie's memory continues to get worse and I really don't know what I can do about taking care of him or myself. I picture us both being homeless. I think that, eventually, I might have leave him in the care of the State if I can't manage the house and basic accounts that he has sole control of - mortgage, utilities, internet, etc. I would have to try to move back to Atlanta to live in my condo, while finding work to pay for basics. I wonder if being married to him might entitle the State to take all that I have, including my condo in Atlanta. I have no one to ask for advice. 

Today he forgot a botched Amazon delivery I got and gave to him to use outside - a multipack of a product similar to but different from what I actually ordered a single of that was sent by mistake (Amazon just told me to keep it and they credited my account - I still didn't want their substitute because it smells awful). He now thinks he just bought it himself and he is telling to me that he just bought this and why large multipacks of this was a good idea to him when he purchased it. He not only is losing days at a time but now he is creating things that never existed. 

Thankfully, he is still running his online antiques business without any trouble that I know of. He also still has a good part-time job for an Italian company here as well. I am very grateful he is able to do both of these things. That bit of income helps a lot with what he can't pay with social security alone. I worry that he seems to be hoarding a lot more. He has another new future-hobby now that he is spending hundreds of dollars on matterials and equipment to set up the perfect studio for himself again. This time it is to make woven art, like basketry, sculptures.  This follows setting up a space and materials for encaustic artwork that he never made. Before that, it was a woodworking-design-furniture business he was going to start with a former co-worker. Thankfully, all of the woodworking equipment and most of the materials were put into the garage of his future-partner's house so I don't have to climb over it. There are still a few odd boards and fabrics in our attic and basement but it is only a fraction of what he had.  

The crazy continues

Spent this afternoon driving Mother around so she could move bank accounts. More of this will go on Wednesday because the last bank we went to was already closed for the day by the time we got there. I get the impression she trying to do all of this without my brother's knowledge despite the fact that he is her financial adviser and has right of attorney on all of her accounts. 

Meanwhile, it looks like I will be trapped here until Friday at this point. I am starting to feel anxiety constantly now. My heart races. I tense up everywhere and I can't speak. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was a child and I can't get over this irrational fear that I'm never getting out of here. 

The undoing

When I woke up this morning, the dogs were in the carport eagerly peeing and pooping. I immediately let the dogs back in and cleaned up all but the urine on the abandoned stationary bicycle (I get to that after breakfast, during her therapist visit) and put down fresh pee pads everywhere. I said nothing. She said she had to let them go indoors because it's raining outside and she doesn't want wet dogs. "This is what I'll have to do when you're gone." She then calls to cancel an appointment with a woman named Luanne, who was going to discuss coming in to assist her around the house, telling her she won't need her now that mother has permission from Dr. Starnes to drive. She doesn't want to pay anyone who has to work in 4-hour blocks of time rather than as needed, either. 

It seems like she's already punishing me for trying to go home this week. Everything is punctuated with "when you're gone". This makes me want to leave sooner than later. It's like everything wrong here will be my fault when I leave. *sigh* 

Update: 

Cleaned the rest of the spots in the carport. Although I won't call it truly clean, it is a lot cleaner than it was before I got here. There is still filth all along the edge of the walls but I have cleaned and wiped down surfaces and covered what I could on the floor. I cleaned out the second refrigerator in the garage and threw out ancient opened wine that had become expensive vinegar and strangely bloated and bent aluminum cans. There are still several bottles of sparkling wine left to an uncertain future and one spot of solid crystallized puddle on one door shelf that I have not yet been able to entirely remove. 

Wednesday

Time for a rant.

I spent most of the day at the dining table, surfing Facebook repeatedly while Mother watched the news, game shows and daily TV like The Chew. Her first appointment with the occupational therapist canceled on her because the therapist has a child in the hospital. The second appointment of the day phoned to reset the time a bit later in the day.  Most of the day was spent waiting on different things. After Mother's therapy,  we went out for pedicures.  Then we had dinner before going home. 

Over dinner,  she brought up the inevitable subject of extending my stay with her. She said it was supposed to rain later in the week and it would be too dangerous for me to go home in bad weather.  She said there's no one to take care of her after I go home. I reminded  her that I already have plans to resume my life after the 27th and that the rest of the family would be back by then. I also mentioned that uncle Ron was on the mend and already driving again.

We went back to the house and fed the dogs, I phoned MonsterMustDie while I walked them. When I got back inside she was on the phone with Ron. She turns to me after the phone saying Ron told her I "posted" that I was leaving.  I  told her I only emailed the family yesterday to remind them when I needed to go home - on October 27 (and what she needs so they can plan accordingly ). My uncle seems to think I should stay with my mother indefinitely  (permanently).

Apparently my life means nothing to anyone but me.

Poop

The first thing I did this morning was clean dog poop off the floor of my mother's bedroom. After cleaning poop off the living room and sun room floor in the morning previously, I have been trying to convince my mother that the dogs should crated at night. She insists on having them in the bed with her at night. Yesterday she said she would close the bedroom door at night to keep the from jumping down and pooping in the house. Now, the dogs will pee or poop in her room rather than waiting for their morning walk. I can't force her to crate the dogs at night. There's nothing I can do here to change how she chooses to live. 

I feel like I am only enabling her at this point. I am counting the days until I can leave. Sunday, Sandy chuckled "You thought High Point was bad but now I'll bet you can't wait to go home." She is so right about that. Just when I think my life has reached an all time low, it got worse. I want out of here! 

Dogs

Sunday afternoon is my once a week chance to go into Atlanta from Kennesaw. It's the one day when there are no appointments for therapists, doctors, or medical procedures for my mother. This week I went down to East Atlanta Village to visit Sandy while she volunteered at Dogtober Fest, working at the charity raffle table. Charlie joined us at the end of the event and the three of us got to hang out together for a little while at the Flatiron bar before I had to head back to feed and walk dogs. 

Woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m. to a dog announcing two spots of poop in the living room. I cleaned the floor and took them out for a walk. Then I put them in their crate for the rest of the night.  Normally, they spend the night sleeping in bed with my mother until she wakes up in the morning. 

Tyranny of the Calender

I spent this morning listening to my mother cancel appoinments that she could easily make today just because she doesn't feel like going in. These are appoinments that are much easier to do with me driving her everywhere, taking her to the door, then parking the car by myself and picking her up at the door later. 

Then I walked the dogs and returned phone calls outside, where I could have a private, uninterrupted conversation.  

Now, she has filled Friday, the same day she knows MonsterMustDie is driving down from North Carolina to visit me, with appoinments all day. He will have to chase us down or kill time elsewhere until late in the day. 

The End Of The World again... part 1

My life is once again on hold. Possibly over as I know it again, this time due to family situations.

It started last Thursday with a text from my sister-in-law: 

"Hi Jules. (my brother, my neice & her husband) and I are going to Itally Oct 16-26th. (My uncle) is having his knee operated on sometime in October. Your Mom does not know we are going so please don't tell her. She always gets sic when we go somewhere. With that said, can you come down and take you Mom to her doctor appointments and dialysis? I will need your help. Taking care of your Mom is wearing on me. I would appreciate it so much. "
"(My neice) said you can stay at her house...  in Brookhaven. You'll like it."

First, if I stayed at my niece's house that would imply I would have to vacate it immediately upon their return that night, making the 5 to 6-hour drive back by myself, exhausted. This is the only accomodation being offered. Fortunately, I asked my friends B&G in Buckhead if I could stay at their place a couple of weeks in October and they said I was welcome to, so that problem was immediately solved.

Me: "Phone me ASAP so we can discuss details."

Sister-In-Law:

"At concert with (niece). Call 2 morrow. " 

No phone call came the next day. I tried calling her with no answer. Then I got another text at 8:30 pm :

"Ok. (Uncle's) surgery for his knee is October 6th. Your Mom has to wear her sling 3 more weeks. Not sure if that means she has to stay in rehab or if she can go home. She is working on using her cane."

This means I would need to be in Georgia, taking care of my mother from October 6 through the end of the 26th at the earliest. I think I might as well stay through the end of the month and at least get to be around friends at Halloween, since now I will have no time to make Halloween plans for the house or other activities that I had wanted to plan (like a meet-the-neighbors pumpkin carving party).

Meanwhile, I have already turned down two possible temp jobs because I will be out of town. October is also the only time High Point NC is actually alive - during the autumn market week - so I can't look for any gigs during Market. I will not be able to free-lance without my computer, a fast WiFi connection, and all of my stuff (books, reference material, photo equipment, art supplies?) That also brings up the question of who is paying for this? No one expects to pay me anything for this. They just figure that because I have no full-time job, I have all the time in the world and no financial worries because MonsterMustDie is some sort of sugardaddy (He absolutely is not!). And yet, it is a task I can't say no to because there is absolutely no one who will be available or who wants to help my mother. I am not sure I can take care of her by myself.



... help ...

Family Drama

Most of this week has been a series of phone calls to my sister-in-law and my mother. They are trying to coordinate her care and it has become apparent, as my mother's home is again so filthy that it is uninhabitable, she really needs more help physically with the day-to-day tasks like cleaning, laundry, cooking and - yes - driving. The two west highland terriers that my mother has need to be rehomed, preferably together. Part of the reason the house is in such a horrible state is because she can not walk them and they are no longer (if they ever were previously) house broken. Every bit of rug is urine stained again and the garage floor is covered in old newspaper and feces. The dogs have to go.

My sister-in-law has done the necessary research to find a Westie rescue group who can take them. Hopefully, the dogs can go to a much better place together - a place with a yard and/or with humans who can take them for walks and keep them groomed.

Meanwhile, my mother has phoned asking me to come to Kennesaw, Georgia, obviously leaving everything and MonsterMustDie behind to take care of her dogs for the remainder of the month she is in rehab and beyond. A house far away from anything and anyone that now would be even more isolated than here in High Point where I at least have internet service and working computers and WiFi. I have been thinking of how I could help her in a realistic method. The best I can come up with is to come down to her place, spend a couple of days at a time cleaning while staying somewhere else like a friend's place an hour away, and taking the dogs back to North Carolina with me. We have a house cat and no fence and the dogs are not house broken, so they would have to stay on leads in the back yard during the day and I could crate them in kennels at night. That might work out for them for a while. Maybe I could eventually housebreak them. Maybe we could eventually get some sort of pen or fence for the dogs to hang out in. My mother actually wants me to live with her in a sort of Grey Gardens scenario. Not going to happen. There is no way to make it work.

I phoned my sister-in-law to tell her about this. As it turns out, the idea to have me live with my mother came from my sister-in-law. I said she probably should have have thought that one through before she spoke.

Later, she phoned me back to say my brother finally spoke with my mother. That is a huge step for him. He really does not speak to anyone in the family and, according to his wife, has nearly as hard a time dealing with our mother as I do. He told her I could not move down to live in her house and the dogs needed to be rehomed. "You're probably out of the Will now, but we'll take care of you."

I phoned my mother last night to talk with her, dreading the conversation I was expecting.  Oddly enough, there was no mention of the dogs. She only talked about how awful the rehab facility was. Then she ended the conversation with "Take care of yourself." and hung up on me.
That went better than I thought it would.


UPDATE:
My uncle has now phoned my sister-in-law to say that the dogs must stay living with my mother. He is on board with her in the idea that I should be living alone with her in her flat to take care of the dogs indefinitely.  This can not happen but both of them will not accept that. This will be an interesting Labor Day weekend coming up. Now, she is keeping the dogs and the younger family members are expected to take care of her and the dogs at home.

post xmas update

We had a good holiday with family and friends on a very brief 2-day trip to Atlanta. At my brother's house for Christmas dinner, my mother looked well and happy. My nephew and his girlfriend were both there. My niece was there cracking jokes and making up odd holiday songs, while her fiancé is in New York visiting family.

We had a great dinner at Babette's Cafe with Sandy, Chaz, and friends to celebrate her birthday on Friday.

Saturday, we drove back home. The highlight of the trip was an unexpected trip to a mall where everything was on sale now and MonsterMustDie found a new black suit to wear at my niece's wedding and I found some fun clothes to wear for winter events, if any exist for me.

Sunday, MonsterMustDie's friend Mr. Smith came by for a visit and stayed overnight. That was a good opportunity to pick his brain for ideas on how to set up the living room. I had hoped we could have used him to help MonsterMustDie re-hang the bathroom door but that never happened. The guys were too busy drinking beer and talking about mid-century designers and the antiques market. However, we at least have the guest-bedroom furniture set up now.

Today,

I just got off the phone with my mother. She phoned to let me know she is going into the hospital for several days to deal with blood clots in her legs. Just when she looked so well at my brother's house on Christmas day because her blood sugar and anemia were under control, now this has come up. My uncle is taking her to kennel her two West Highland terriers and then on to Kennestone. She is too proud to let anyone close to her help with things like picking up odds and ends at her house to bring to her or taking care of the dogs. I really wish I could be there to clean her house while she is out of it. We have such a difficult relationship, I can't be helpful while she is there but without her there I could take care of some of the nastiness ... and the people nearby who she could trust the most to take care of things for her are the last people she wants to see her home so she won't let them do a thing *sigh*. 

this is not shaping up to be a good weekend

MonsterMustDie is in town this weekend. Yesterday was my birthday and between that and the move, I have an obligatory family visit starting this afternoon that he has agreed to accompany me to.

I am getting a strong indication that he does not want me in North Carolina with him. There is a sunroom in back that was once a back porch, now closed in and windowed. I had already put in dibs on that one room in the new house as an area for myself. Just as expected, he is already saying "The neighbors can see what's in there" as if to say he does not want me making a mess, which means he prefers I don't use that area for anything. This is a room that already houses the laundry machines and a big hole in the wall for an unplugged dilapidated window unit AC. His latest comments on things I like are "Great. Another expensive thing to sit around." I wonder if this is how he split with his first wife - through passive actions pushing her until she could not take any more.

Update:
In spite of good efforts to work in a trip to Home Depot on the way and still planning to arrive early, we got to my mother's house five minutes late of the absolute deadline she had given me at 2:05 pm. Or so we thought. There was no on at her flat but her and the dogs. She had forgotten to tell us that plans had changed. No one in the family was coming except my brother and sister-in-law, who would be picking up my mother (thank God she's not driving!) and taking her to a place my brother had picked out in midtown called "Poor Calvin's" for dinner. Reservations for dinner had been made for all of us at 7:30 p.m.

We had not eaten yet, planning on the late lunch/early dinner gathering, and had otherwise planned to do a lot of work on packing and meeting up with people who had purchased used items at the house in the early evening after time with the family. Those plans were now effectively trashed. We agreed that we would all just meet at the restaurant this evening. Then, MonsterMustDie and I headed back to the house to accomplish what we could at the house in the small amount of time we might have before heading out again for time with my family. On the way home, we stopped by Steak and Shake, where he got something he'd been craving for a while - chilli and a grilled cheese sandwich. Then we ran home. He got filthy working in the shed to pull things out and dismantle boards for a couple in the neighborhood to pick up later, and I pulled a few more things out to pack and did a tiny bit of laundry.