and so this is Christmas

And this year, Channukka began at sundown on Christmas Eve. Yesterday, I worked from 7AM to 11AM. Looks like I'm back on two 4-hour days a week at my only job now, a little retail gig. Last night, I went with MonsterMustDie to see Rogue One at our local cinema and ended up seated next to a woman who coughed uncontrollably the entire movie. Left my jacket on the back porch and showered as soon as I got home to to rinse the anxiety off of me. 

This morning, we had buttermilk pancakes for breakfast before opening gifts. Lunch was home made brussels sprouts and pickled ginger salad with what little we could pick from the remains of last week's roast duck before I finally threw away the carcass. Tonight, I've got tickets to see the Doctor Who Christmas Special at Geeksboro Coffee. 

Tomorrow, it's back to work for a few hours in the afternoon, followed by grocery shopping and house cleaning. 

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Last night, I severed ties to Murray, a.k.a. Baby Maurice. I had been avoiding speaking to him since my mother's death, because I knew there was nothing good he would say to me and any conversation with him would send me down a negative path. This started when the first words out of his mouth over the phone, while I was grieving with my family the night after she died, was a smart remark. A really nasty remark that he did not think twice about saying.

After all these years, it finally got into my thick head that he is never going to be good for me to be around and has always prevented me from moving on with my life. There were some good times when we were both in our early twenties, but that period was too brief to hold onto. He was always the person who wanted me only when I found someone else and dumped me as soon as I was back around or available. I always wished we could have been friends as well as everything else that we were or were not but he was never a friend. He held onto me and kept me at a distance at the same time. That is neither love nor friendship. It's just possession - and maybe a lot of ego.

I finally hit the OFF switch on everything from him when he started texting nasty things about my mother's death last night just to vent his own anger at my silence. I should have done this on that night in February immediately after that phone call.

In Atlanta this week

I am enjoying a visit to my old neighborhood this week while I have 5 days without work.  When I saw the gap in my schedule,  I decided to make the most of the time. Hopefully,  they will keep me around at job number 2 and give me plenty of holiday hours.  This might be my last  chance before the new year to visit the places & people I love.

I will try to be more enthusiastic

I just need some Adderall and Prozac.

Friday's Rant

Immediately after taking on day off work for my wedding in October, Job #1 had me come into work the next morning at 8:00 a.m. Then, later that week, they let me go because they did not like the scheduling conflicts that always arose from my dance between them and my other very part-time Job #2. So I am trying to concentrate on job 2 as much as possible while still looking for full-time work or at least temp work at better pay and dependable hours. Today, Job 2 called me in for a meeting with my supervisors. They are concerned that I am not working fast enough and want me to be more enthusiastic and energized with customers (i.e. perky, but "we're not asking you to change your personality..."). Also, I need to sell more store credit cards, which are a VERY big deal for any retailer. I plan to work on my assertiveness and be more aggressive on trying to sell the credit cards. I don't know how I'm going to be more perky but I will try to be happy. I wish there was a drug I could take that would make me all of the above.

Meanwhile, I think we are legally married but I have no idea if the papers were filed in time and if that matters or if there are extra legal fees yet to pay or if this whole thing should be annulled. My luck seems worse for getting married. I am feeling frustrated with everyone and everything. And I keep thinking about how MonsterMustDie's close friend was telling everyone, including me, that he was the one to thank for us getting married because MonsterMustDie always thought I was too old for him, saying he told him to settle for someone closer to his own age. Yes, my creepy old Dutchman now seems a lot creepier to me now.

It makes me even sadder when I look at my niece's bridesmaid gift that I never had the opportunity to give her. There was no time. My family came to town for only one day and they stayed in Charlotte, over an hour away, until it was time for the wedding and they left soon after while I was still at the reception. My brother and sister-in-law alone were able to come the night before to attend the rehearsal dinner but they almost missed the rehearsal itself. I feel somehow disowned by my family. The great irony is that it was my family who kept on me to get married. One of the main reasons we made ourselves legally tied was their urging to do so.

I feel I was born to stay orphaned. Yes, I know everyone had to make time in their schedules to make the trip but I would have liked to have seen more or my family while they were here.

Happy Halloween

It's Halloween night and I worked tonight and yesterday so there was no attempt this year to host a pumpkin carving party and I ended up giving all my candy away to a pal who would be home to enjoy trick-or-treaters tonight.  Living in High Point, North Carolina still absolutely sucks but I also still have hopes for a better year in 2017. I wish all of my friends and family a very happy, fun, and safe Halloween. It's my favorite holiday and I hope everyone had a blast.

xox,
Weremonkey

The Wedding

The band is back together again.

With the women at the hotel.

Hair done

Just got home from getting a fresh cut & Color for the wedding.

Today is fired.

Woke  up with a UTI. Then was blocked in by MonsterMustDie's car when I needed to get out to go to work while he was in the shower.  Tried to get around him and accidentally backed into his car. Once I got to work, I started feeling worse and drinking a lot of water and taking Cystex was not helping. Left job#1 for the day to go to the Urgent Care clinic.  Now, I am in a 40-minute wait for my antibiotics at the pharmacy. 
Today is so fired.

The Gift

Another wedding gift arrived today in a beautiful hand-painted box.

The big litter box

We started noticing several large dugouts in the mulch -covered hill at the side of our house.  At first, MonsterMustDie thought someone had stolen a few of the large rocks we have sunk into the hill (people do steal potted plants,  tool, and other landscape materials ).  Today,  I found out that the feral cats are pooping all over it. The mulch and soil are just soft enough to be a perfect litter pile.

Is this the Final Showdown at the Time Clock?

I've been doing the two part-time job dance for a while now, still hoping to find full-time work and unable to get more than two half-days a week from job no. 2 but hoping for more time on a regular basis from them. Job no. 1 still only gives me two days a week, usually, despite the fact that I was hired under the agreement that I would train at part-time hours and immediately go to full-time with full benefits after that brief training period. I don't suppose any business hires anyone for full-time hours anymore unless they are admin jobs. That would be okay if my hours were predictable so I could easily fill in the gaps with another job and avoid any conflicts. Neither job wants to give me that. My hours change on an as-needed basis. I am unspeakably frustrated. I want to work. I need to make money. I need the interaction of other human beings. Admittedly, job no. 1 is very hard on me physically and most of my co-workers, who are half my age and twice my size and did not spend their lives working at a computer, seem to view me as a primadonna.

Here is today's correspondence from from job no.1, who still give me more hours per week than my preferred job - no. 2.

Is this the final showdown? I don't know. This is my correspondence with them today.

I might be down to working 8 hours a week at one job.

This is actually an email I sent LAST WEEK and never got an answer to it. I re-sent it today with the additional reminder about the time off for weddings.

Begin forwarded message:

From: Moi

Subject: Re: My Schedule and Availability

Date: August 17, 2016 at 11:58:33 AM EDT

To: Department Manager

I will be there between 1:30 and 2:00 p.m.

That's the best I can do.

- Moi

 

On Aug 17, 2016, at 10:23 AM, Department Manager wrote:

Moi,

If you don't work your scheduled shift on the 23rd it will be counted as an absence, I already have the closing shift covered.

Thank You,

Dept Manager

---

From: Moi
Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2016 10:08:24 AM
Subject: My Schedule and Availability

Here is my schedule at the other place, for now. Set in stone from their end.

Wed, 8/17, 3:00PM - 7:00PM

Tues 8/23, 9:00AM - 1:00PM  (conflict - I could work 2:00PM-10:00PM if necessary)

Fri, 8/26, 3:00PM - 7:00PM

Here is my availability:

Thu, 8/18, FREE ALL DAY  and scheduled at F&D 8:00AM-5:00PM

Fri, 8/19 - 8/21, FREE ALL DAY  available for work

Wed, 8/24, FREE ALL DAY  available for work

Thu, 8/25, FREE ALL DAY and scheduled at F&D 8:00AM-2:00PM

F.I.Y.

I still need to be off work Sept 9 - 11 to attend a wedding on September 10 in Atlanta, Georgia.

I need to be off work for my own wedding, now moved to October 15. Please allow me to be off work October 13- 17.

hot and tired

Worked a surprisingly good day at  retail job #1 and got lots of compliments from co-workers. Found out one of the managers has left the store, which is a huge loss because he had took a lot of product and company knowledge with him. We have a new flock of young employees from nearby colleges, some former employees looking for part-time filler work, and former employees of our competitors.

I think I am not made to drive a forklift so, after agonizing for so long about doing it, I'm okay with staying away from them. Everyone reminds me how much I hate driving cars and how far that is from the culture I was raised in. In retrospect, I think I would not make a good operator and its in the company's best interest that I steer clear of them. My anxiety kicks in just looking at them.

Every time I go in now to job #1, I think it will be my last day and that I'll be fired soon for all the work conflicts I have trying to manage schedules for two part-time jobs.

I see no hope on the horizon for employment in the field I am educated for or for returning to college.

Even if I returned to college, would that even benefit me by the time it would take to finish a new Master's degree in the hopes of finding work? I think not. I think my age - past 50 - still makes me unattractive to employers. Anyway I would never  be able to schedule classes with my current lifestyle and I can't afford online college. I don't qualify for any grants or loans, either.

I need a business plan for something I can start myself, with no money up front, using what I already have, in a place where I know no one. Perhaps online, where location is not a concern.

It has been hot this week with temperatures in the 90s again. Both myself and MonsterMustDie have been feeling insurmountable fatigue from the heat. Sunday, we ran errands in the morning and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening languishing indoors, in the AC, Could not even be motivated to do indoor activities. Yesterday, we both came home exhausted from work and slept deeply last night under the fan. Ceiling fans are a lifesaver, especially when you don't want to kill your AC unit.

It amazes me how long my grandmother lived without air-conditioning. She relied on fans in a duplex built in the 40's with transom windows over all the doorways. For the winter, she had one central heater in the basement that had a huge "baby burner" vent in the hallway floor. No fan necessary for the heater - hot air rises and created its own warm breeze from the center of the house. The garden she had was great. It was a back yard full of large flowers, green grass, and a concrete bird bath in the center. Teal-painted brick patio. There was always a little vegetable garden on the left side of the back yard and climbing rose bushes on the right side of the yard against the fence. A home-made shed and fenced-in compost pile sat at the very back of the lot. Tomatoes. Strawberries. Quince. Hollyhock. Four'O Clocks. Hydrangeas. Roses. Caladiums. Etc, She saved seeds as well for the following year.

Today, I work at part-time retail job #2. This is my preferred workplace but, alas, they give me even less hours than job #1. However, I have hope that they will increase the frequency of my schedule with them. The job pays the same as #1 and is much closer to home and easier on my body. I am always beaten up physically after working at #1. I have bruises and cuts all over me from yesterday. Job #2 has co-worker who are a lot less depressing to be around as well. Better all-around environment. Today will be a good day.

High Anxiety

It's been a very high-stress weekend. Multiple scheduling conflicts. Financial conflicts. Bad vibes all around. Trying to work everything out as best I can without losing everything.

Sandy pointed out that the High Point Market happens a week later than usual this year and now falls on October 22, the same day we were planning our wedding in High Point. MonsterMustDie made a mistake telling us the market was the week before. There are no hotels, rentals or catering companies with openines that week. Now, I'm scrambling to change the date that was already in my opinion too soon.

The work schedule that had no conflicts previouslyrics was reorganized by someone and now everything is conflicting between my two part time jobs.

My condo is sitting vacant while I am spending $1200 this week alone on cleaning and repairs.

Pretty weeds

The tall mystery plant in the front yard is blooming now. I think it's a keeper.

Wedding Design Thoughts

I got to look at the not ready for primetime secondary building where we might be able to have the reception. Not too bad. There is overhead lighting. This is a relief because I thought it was such an empty shell that I'd have to figure out a safe way to light from above and below. It is definitely an industrial, even steampunk, space. That would work fine with an industrial modern theme.

No plumbing and no wall outlets so I can see why it does not meet code for occupancy but certainly solid enough. There is one small spot that is a possible tripping hazard on the floor about the size of one large sheet of plywood that we would have to find a way to keep people away from, lest they trip or stub their toes.

I have been visualizing this project as much as I can by myself. I had this idea today: Wouldn't it be great to fill that patch with a huge scale model of a safety cone - bright orange and shiny, that would more than cover the footprint of the area - kinda a la Jeff Koons?

How could I/we/you build that? It would have to be very lightweight materials to make it easy to move in and out of the space. Anyone need an art project? That would be a great thing to put on the wedding registry... large format artwork.

Another thought came to me today about the cake. Rather than the common roses and ribbons, what about a mid-century modern Eames-style cake. Or a creature from the black lagoon, holding the bride as a cake topper?

sick

All day Thursday,  I fought back a mild nausea and lack of energy. By Friday, I was too ill to work. I was still fighting the sickness in the morning, planning to work as usual. I got up, showered, and swung by job #1 to pick up a paycheck on my way to job #2. As soon as I got out of the  car and the heat hit me, the nausea kicked in harder than ever. I barely made it into the store to pick up my check and back to my car again. I tried to phone work before leaving the parking lot but after two tries and now answer, I gave up. I drove home and spent the next hour in the bathroom. I had MonsterMustDie phone job #2 to let them know I was not going to be there. He finally got through to let them know and I spent the rest of the day in bed trying to sleep myself to wellness.

I spent Saturday trying to recover and avoiding solid food. I am still on the Ensure diet. MonsterMustDie made pasta for dinner last night, which I was able to keep down. I went to bed early and woke up this morning with aching back and neck. My esophagus hurts too, probably from being violently ill.

I hope today is my last sick day and that I can feel back to normal tomorrow.

Wedding Planning

MonsterMustDie is still reluctant about places and spaces even though our wedding is less than four months away. Thus, I have not been free to have invitations created, other than just using social media. He won't ask if we can use space in the building for a reception and/or rain day and he won't say its okay for me make other arrangements.

I still need to figure out the cake thing. I do not want plain layer cake with buttercream icing. 

I haven't really started looking for a dress locally. I have been looking at Pinterest for ideas on dresses. Don't know any place here other than Belk to source a wedding dress and, for all I know, they might have some okay dresses. I am doing all of this alone so motivation is less than if I had friends physically here to inspire me. For all I know, I might still end up wearing the black dress I wore for my niece's wedding and my mother's funeral. It's the only nice dress I have. 

I plan to serve tapas-style food at the reception. Real food in small bites that can be eaten casually rather than a sit-down dinner, although I am planning to rent chairs and tables for the wedding. He is dragging his feet on even asking if we can have the reception at his workplace, The Mill. This week, it looks like we will most likely be having any reception in our little house and for that I am just planning to clear out the living room and put up folding tables. I won't use the rented chairs or tables if it's at our house. 

There is no budget for a restaurant dinner the night before. I am probably paying for all of this out of my savings. He has not offered to help with any of this and if it were up to him, we would just go to the courthouse to sign a marriage license and be done with it. I'll leave the marriage license to him. I'll have to handle everything else. 

My family has not come forward with any offers to help make this happen. This is ironic since they have been so hot for me to marry John since my mother died. 

I'm okay with working on the cheap but I do think I should at least get a wedding out of this arrangement. Is he trying to find a passive way out of it? I don't think so because he has also wanted us to marry for a long time. Any social situation causes him a great deal of stress and the idea of spending money on me also makes him anxious. He's been very unhappy with my inability to make a living here for a long time. If he has to endure a wedding, he will be happier if I can put everything together and just have him show up for it. 

It appears I am engaged.

Him: I don't want (groomsmen) to have to rent a tux for the wedding.

Me: Agreed. How about we ask them to just wear gray suits?

Him: I don't want to ask anyone to wear a specific color.

Me: Fine. Let's just have everyone wear jeans and a T-shirt that says "I'm with stupid." 

 

I was able to actually join MonsterMustDie on a business trip to Atlanta last week. I spent every day visiting friends and family while he worked for the Boutique.  We had dinner with my brother and sisnter-in-law at my favorite restaurant. We were in our cups a bit. MonsterMustDie said he would like to be married under the arbor he built in the community garden. Someone mentioned June weddings. I said if I was getting married, I'd prefer an autumn wedding. Brother & Sister-in-Law reminded me that they like to travel in November and will be out of the country again this November. I said October is a good month for a wedding - it's the month of my birthday and my favorite holiday, Halloween. MonsterMustDie said he would not be married on Halloween. I said I would not be married on my birthday. Thus, the week between would have to be the one to do such a thing, if we were ever going to do such a thing. Sister-in-law said, whether I like it or not, I am essentially already married (without any of the protections of law) because we've been together so long. Meanwhile, my brother is looking at this year's calendar on his phone and lets everyone know the saturday between my birthday and Halloween this year is October 22. The table agrees that October 22 will be the wedding day. 

This year. 

 

That's not much time to prepare or make real decisions on anything. The family is alerted. My friends are alerted.

I am hung over the next day. 

Nice package detail

The inside lining of a plain brown box.

My mother 's refrigerator still has several ancient bottles  of sparkling wine.  I doubt any of it is still drinkable but I wish I had time to open some of them to find out.

Alas.

No Traffic

I am completely surprised by the lack of traffic we had driving into Atlanta today. I must remember this next year after the fourth of July.  I can only assume Independence Day means a lot of people travel out of the city to the beach or other parts less crowded. 

Good news!

My other manager had a change of heart and now I will be off work for a few days to join MonsterMustDie while he is working in Atlanta Wednesday, July 6 to Saturday morning, July 9.

Right after I got the news of my time off, I had more good news of a visit by B&G to Winston-Salem this week on a business trip. We got to meet up with them and a few business associates at Sweet Potatoes Restaurant in Winston-Salem. It was an absolute joy to see them. They're both looking good and their chums from work were interesting people as well.

MonsterMustDie will be working for Buzzi Boutique. We're taking just one car and, depending on if he needs the car for work errands or not, I might need the help of friends to get around town.

Still, being in Atlanta even without a car will be a good break from NC. I hope some friends will have time to hang out. I'll have the entire day free while MonsterMustDie is working. Early evenings, he will be available for dinner or other socializing as long as he can get his beauty rest before work in the morning.

falling down

MonsterMustDie has a business trip to Atlanta in mid-July and we are invited to an Atlanta wedding in early September. I am still trying to take time off work to go with john in July to Atlanta but it looks like I will never be able to leave home again.

The job that I want the most that is near home and not as physically damaging, which I'm still training for has given me the time off already to go with him to Atlanta. They only give me two or three half days a week, anyway, at this point. I work 8 to 12 hours there.

The other job has not given me the time off. In a dick move, when I requested the days off for MonsterMustDie's trip to Atlanta, my manager cut my schedule to only one day a week and put that day smack in the middle of MonsterMustDie's trip. He's also not, at this point in time, giving me time off for the wedding. I would quit that job if I was not so desperate for work. Now, I've got to try to work my way up in his good graces (probably completing forklift training) if I want to get on a better schedule again. Retail jobs do not care about employee retention. There is always a new crop of employees to come in the next month. They have never given me the time off I’ve requested, no matter how far in advance I've asked for it with the exception of the times I was taking care of my mother and going to her funeral. I am surprised they didn't fire me in October or February but they kept me on board then. 

I put in two applications at a bank for Customer Assistance jobs but was turned down for both jobs this week. These were jobs that only require a high-school diploma and I was turned down for them. By email. No interview or human to speak to. 

Meanwhile, my tenant is leaving the midtown condo and moving in with her boyfriend and the condo is somehow infested with fleas. None of the neighbors have a flea infestation and she has no pets. I am hoping that the infestation disappears when the condo is empty. I suspect something is going on with all the clutter she has in there - every closet is bulging with her stuff and the living room stays jam packed with all sorts of things. It borders on looking like a hoarder's home, which makes any pest control treatments very ineffective. She's had Orkin in twice to treat the condo and Cindi has helped her do several treatments of diatomaceous earth.

I would love to be back in Atlanta. I would love to visit friends and family and go to the occasional baby shower or wedding. Things would seem sunnier to me if only my manager would give me the days off my inconsistent schedule that I requested or if my favorite job was giving me 3 or 4 full days of work each week so I could just have one easy job close to home.

MonsterMustDie makes all the money and all the decisions about the house and yard. I sit at home, unable to do anything, and stew in my own juices most days. He gets to travel occasionally for work (I know - not a pleasure trip) or social activities (pleasure trip) and I have to stay here so I can work for 6 hours to pay for email, cell phone, and car. I am losing the battle to keep all of those things that keep me minimally functional as a human being. I have no life here. I hate it here. I am trying so hard and constantly having the world slam down on me and making me start over again and again with no friends or support network.

dreams

I dreamed we were back in Atlanta, driving around. We were trying to meet up with Macabre Puppets master but MonsterMustDie kept taking us in the opposite direction from where the GPS said we needed to be. At some point, we ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant in L5P. I found an abandoned shopping bag filled with Easter toys and candy. I couldn't find the owner and didn't want to throw it away or try to return it to a store so I gave all the candy and toys away to random children I saw.

We ended up in the home of a couple in an old house. They living room was filled with Victorian parlor tricks. One of the guests at the gathering in their home was a local character and fortune teller. She said I was a martyr.

There was a life-size full-color photo art wall mural that was a portrait of Lindsay, sitting in an Edwardian chair. She was dressed in a black Victorian dress and the photo was a bondage image with her feet and hands bound to the chair with rope. Her mouth was completely hidden behind a black lace scarf that bound her head to the chair.

The mouth of Hades has opened

It is oppressive hot in North Carolina this week.  Walking outside immediately feels like a hot wet blanket has been thrown onto me.

In the good news,  the native asters I got from Cindi two years ago are finally blooming and they're gorgeous.

Garden Day

Big day for planting the edible forest at Buzzi USA. I stopped by before work to take a look.

Drainage problems

Some of the plants on the hillside have died.  This explains why.  They are sitting in underground clay bowls.

Stress

Not a good week for internet, tv, or radio. I think I need to put myself into a media blackout until next week is over. Not just because I have no mother for the first time this coming Mother's Day weekend (she blew me off for the last two years of her life to have dinner with friends) but I feel like I am further disconnected from all the Mothers in family and friends this year. Every add is Mother's day. Every commercial website has a huge Mother's Day banner featuring gifts for the woman in honor or photos of fun gatherings of family.

I expect a good general media black-out of a week to improve my overall view of humanity as well. The world is so much better first-hand than it is at a distance. My ever-changing work schedule is causing me a great deal of anxiety this week as well. Social anxiety is hitting me more than usual as well when I have to speak with other humans in formal conversations over the phone. There are job interviews I want to try to get into but my schedule makes it nearly impossible with this dance I am trying so hard to do to stay active and employed at low-paying gigs that do not pay enough to support anyone. It's pocket change for my car and phone and nothing more.

I need new underwear. I need new glasses.

On top of that, I got news yesterday that my condo in Atlanta is now infested with what is probably bed-bugs that came in luggage from a business trip. I have my people (real estate agent & manager) on it. They've tried two exterminator visits from Orkin without success and now are trying diatomaceous earth.

Homesick

Had four days off in a row last week. Probably the last four days off together that I will have in a long time. Took advantage of the time and drove down to Atlanta to visit friends, family, and places I love. Never enough time to do all I want to when I am in town. Working my two part time retail  jobs a few hours every day this week. Four hours here. Six hours there. 

Without my mother living anymore, it occurs to me that I can just leave my cell phone off all night because there is no one who needs to phone me in an emergency or with any important questions anymore. 

I only use the phone as a clock and a navigator now. 

Got home from orientation and my next door neighbor is building a privacy fence between our houses, leaving her place cut off from ours. It seems funny to me that this is happening just a month after we had the street-side fence removed from our back yard, opening our view to the neighborhood and increasing the amount of sunlight coming into the yard. Now we are being boxed in on the other side. People in High Point greatly value their privacy and solitude. Me, not so much. Oh, well... 

Back in Atlanta for a visit

First stop - lunch at Lee's Bakery on Buford Highway.  I had a delicious tofu Bahn Mi and avocado smoothie. 

I am the Ivy Fairy (Ivy Ninja).

Gift from a neighbor for whittling her English ivy down to size.
I enjoy cutting vines off of trees because seeing trees burdened down by the heavy green stuff chafes me. 

Saturday in Greensboro

We started the day at the corner farmer's market, followed by lunch at Sticks & Stones. 

Green Spring

Not doing much this week. Just pulling and digging up green onions/wild garlic in the yard.
The yard and house are MonsterMustDie's domain. My gardening will be entirely in pots that I can move to unseen places so that he can keep his vision of what the curb view should be.

Meanwhile, since things are piling up downstairs and he is not putting anything on sale online, I am trying very hard to persuade him to spend his off-time on the weekends working on the house and yard, rather than going picking/treasure-hunting all weekend and adding more to the horde of unusable things in the basement.

Rainy Day

There are good days and bad days.
I am having a hard day today while I'm off work from my part-time retail job.


Every time I see daytime television show that my mother enjoyed, like the Talk or The Chew, etc. I start to think too much about my mother and the tears come again. The women of my tribe shop for entertainment and anything food and cooking was of great interest to my mother. Fortunately, I am not an avid shopper or QVC fan, but its that classic WASPy suburban culture that I now associate with my mother, especially from my month spent with her in October. She shopped to excess for entertainment. She obsessed over her weight all of her life. She obsessed over and enjoyed fashion trends, jewelry of all kinds, and the latest cosmetics and skincare products. Most of my nice clothes and makeup were given to me by her. This also reinforces my lack of female friends here, in NC, where I live now. I am cut off from anything feminine now without my friends around me. I really need the Womens Night ladies and the Crafty Kitch chicks and the Goth Glamour girls.

My mother was also my main connection to my family and what everyone was up to. No one else ever spoke to me or called. It was my conversations with her that kept me informed. Without her bridging that gap, I fear I will have no family. Maybe that's an irrational fear. I can only hope that all the positive bonding that took place during her passing will stay intact. I do not think my family have any understanding of my situation. It is especially sad that MonsterMustDie has no appreciation of relationships in this way after growing up as an only child in an always-relocating military family.

Maybe it's the last washing away of all of the stress from the last 5 months. Really, the last year has been nothing but stress of one sort or another. I am officially giving up on building any sort of life for myself here in North Carolina. I want to be with my people. I hate it here. It is the people and relationships that I spent a lifetime creating that I need. Some things that are started in one's twenties and thirties can not easily be recreated now because life is different and it seems like most people my age are not looking for new experiences. I don't see much art here. Art is a spiritual part of me - it is a way of living and thinking that is now gone from my life. I still want to do stupid, creative, theatrical, immature, silly things with friends and any joiners I can find. And, at last, I have not been to any live music shows or taken part in any events here. The old rocker in me is sad. I still long for the crunchy music but I have no new haunts or scenes to be a part of.

I still lack a full-time job after a year so I don't even have the ego boost of work and full professional involvement to float on. I am lucky that MonsterMustDie is able to support me, even though he often lets me know that he wants my to find work or create work for myself that would allow me to pay my half of the living expenses here. Believe me, I would gladly do that - I desperately want to be financially enabled. Being essentially a house wife leaves me with no power whatsoever on any household decisions here. I am now offically a sub. I tell everyone this is his house and I am just lucky enough to be allowed to live here.

My mood will lighten up eventually but today everything really sucks.

Sick

Sick. So very sick.

Didn't get out of bed all day Wednesday. Had a slight fever of 100.5. Could this be the flu? I've never had the flu so I don't know. Even when I did think I had the flu once, the lab said it was only a really bad cold but this feels much worse.

Thursday, somewhat better. No fever but my head felt like it is about to explode from sinus pressure and it hurt like being stabbed in the chest every time I coughed. I tried to go in to the closest medical clinic and was turned away because they weren't taking new patients when I came in.

Friday night, MonsterMustDie took me to the Urgent Care doc-in-a-box I'd been to before. I ended up being seen by the same doctor who tried to give me vallium to go with the prednisone that I got for my severe poison ivy last summer. This time, he tried to give me Prednisone again for the sinus headache but ended up prescribing a cough syrup and Z-pack.

This morning, I woke up with a disabling headache, ringing ears, and stiff neck that had me incapacitated until noon. I got out of bed finally at 1PM when the headache finally faded. I am blaming the Z-pack. MonsterMustDie thinks I should continue the antibiotics no matter what but there is no fucking way I can put myself through what I felt this morning again. I've had similar reactions to other antibiotics in the past but this was the worst I've felt in many years.

Even now, I have the head and body aches with ringing ears and light sensitivity but it is at last at a tolerable level.

Anniversaries

Today is the 11th aniversary of the death of my father, James Ray Perry. It is interesting that Mom died so close to the aniversary of his death.

My Mother Is Gone

At 4:00 pm on February 1, 2016, my mother breathed her last breath and her heart stopped shortly thereafter. She was in a hospital bed surrounded by family. It was a very hard end for her and everyone around her. It was her choice to go when she did the way she did it, by discontinuing her dialysis treatments. I still don't agree with her choice but it was her choice to make, not mine. She had been very unhappy for a long time.

Once again, everything in my life has stopped and must be rebooted all over again. But that's life, isn't it?

 Helen Loretta Crowe Perry during our last time together in October 2015

Here's some food for thought from other people:

from my good friend Jae Paul Harrison

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with some friends. The conversation flowed through many subjects — some hilarious, many frivolous, but also some substantive and, though discussed with a certain dark wit, markedly sad. All of us at the table had lost a parent, a couple of us just within the past year or so, and I mused at one point that I know (actually KNOW, not just am acquainted with) a full dozen people who had a parent die in 2015.

I know this is the circle of life (or whatever sugarcoated Disney metaphor one prefers), but I can say now with an authority conferred by personal experience, anectodal evidence, and overwhelming proof than no one is every really ready to be orphaned, even if only partially.

Today, a dear friend's mother passed away, making my friend the 16th person I know to lose a parent since I lost my dad last January. Yes, since that dinner just a few weeks ago, 4 more of my friends have been left to make arrangements and find inner reserves of grace they didn't know they had to weather the kind support and helplessness their friends display at these awful moments of grief. We all stand by, hoping that there is something that we can offer, knowing that there really isn't. Comfort comes only with time, and it takes a lot more of that than you might expect if you haven't been through it.

A friend of mine who lost his father shockingly and unexpectedly when my friend was not yet 30 years old told me that he always checks back with the bereaved after 6 months or so because "by then, everyone else has forgotten and moved on, but that's when it really hits you that you never get to have a conversation with your dad ever again, and that's when you feel most alone." In a book by Christopher Buckley, I read, "You don't remember who shows up, but you definitely remember who doesn't."

I don't know where I'm going with this except that my friend lost her mother today. I want better words than "I'm sorry for your loss." I want something more tangible to offer than yet another question for my friend to answer when I ask, as everyone she knows will ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I want somehow to ease what cannot be eased and to shine light I do not have into a darkness that I haven't found my way out of even yet.

But all I have is this concern, this compassion, this empathy, and this wish that we didn't have this thing in common.

For all of you who have walked this year with me, carrying your own sorrow for your own losses, you were in my prayers at your freshest loss, and you are still in my prayers.

Always Go To The Funeral
by DEIRDRE SULLIVAN
August 08, 2005
I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.
The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, “you’re going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family.”
So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.
That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, "You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral."
Sounds simple — when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that.
"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.
In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.
On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

Mother

This photo was taken last October while she was still recovering from a fall.

 

She was still wearing the arm sling although her doctor told her that she did not need it anymore. It made her arm feel better and made her feel, somehow, more secure. 

It is finished.

My mother died today at 4:00 p.m. After days of struggling, rallying again, then dropping her blood pressure, then recovering, her heart finally stopped. 

Dark Night

Just wandering around my mother's home, unable to sleep.  Going through her closet while trying to make room to hang the clothes I brought.  There are so many clothes hanging,  never worn, with the price tags still on them. There are never - read books and a new DVD of Downtown Abby,  still shrink wrapped.  My mother, by her own choice,  is dying in a hospital room now and there is so much she was still planning to do.  The decision she made seems too quick but I know it was her decision to make.

The infamous food processor she purchased while I was with her, telling me "You can inherit it" when I raised an eyebrow at it, is still in the box.  She bought it because it chops/cubes - a feature that her old one doesn't have.

I found some red wine I had squirrel ed away and poured myself a glass.  Now I'm just sitting in the floor writing, drinking & crying.  Can't sleep.  Noticing how all the lights are on timers.

Bygone

Mother's bookshelf

Traveling home

My mother had decided to continue her dialysis when she was in so much pain after trying to discontinue going to treatments from home. This gave me hope that she was adjusting to life with her caregiver and still depending on a walker or, most recently, a wheelchair to get around.  

Then she changed her mind and wanted to discontinue all medical treatment. She does not want to live if she can't do so at home, with her dogs, on her own. She says she is tired. She said we have to let her go. She wants to die rather than have to live in managed care. She went back into the hospital and was on morphine. She was not speaking to me or answering my phone calls for several days. Now I know why she was avoiding me.

 

I am always trying to catch Bill Board when I am traveling between North Carolina and Georgia. 

Her final decision

We were already planning to drive down to Georgia early Saturday morning to visit my mother. I got a call from my sister-in-law last night to say that my mother had decided to discontinue her treatments again and wanted pain medication above all else. This meant the medication alone might kill her. My sister-in-law said Mom might not make it through the night on the meds and will probably be only semi-conscious from this point on. She phrased it as I should probably be there last night but, since everyone thinks that travel on icy roads at night might be dangerous,  I should come down today rather than Saturday.

I emailed work to explain that I would not be in today and why, briefly. Got an affirmative response from my manager, who said he completely understood.

I am packing as much as I might need to wear. MonsterMustDie started complaining about me bringing too many things and not wanting to bring clothes for a funeral. I told him the future is uncertain and that, if he didn't want my stuff filling up his car on the drive down to my mother's house, I would just make the trip alone. Looks like he's relented and will be coming down with me and my clothes today. I can leave everything I bring at my mother's house, spread out on her bed if we leave on Sunday morning. At least, if I don't need it immediately for an unplanned long stay there, I'll be more prepared. This is no longer a plan to make a fast visit in one day, like he wanted to do originally.

This morning

I got this text from my sister-in-law this morning. 

Loretta has decided she doesn't want dialysis.

I'll go in the morning to Anderson Mill just to make sure. 

She is very tired and just wants to die. 

She is pretty swollen right now. The nurse talked to all of us and explained to Loretta that the fluid will make her heart stop. Loretta said the doctor said her spine is gone. I'll talk to the doctor in the morning about moving her to a hospice facility...

By tonight, my mother has decided she is in too much pain not to get dialysis. Missing her treatments has caused much more serious swelling and her potassium levels are high as well as her blood pressure.

New text from my sister-in-law. 

Fwd: Hi Jules. She is doing much better. Kids and Andy are here. 

They will do dialysis in the morning since her blood pressure is high. 

MonsterMustDie wants to come with me to Georgia. This, of course means taking time off the new job I am training for. I'll talk to my supervisor tomorrow to tell him I've got to take Saturday through Monday off so we can make the trip. We have keys to my mother's place so I plan to just stay there in Kennesaw while we are down to see her. Don't know what else to do. I mean I really don't know what to do or when to do it. My mother is not answering or returning my phone calls. All I can think of doing is just showing up at the hospice to see her.

Mother

My sister-in-law phoned yesterday afternoon to let me know my mother was refusing to go to dialysis treatment.  She was complaining about not being able to sit up long enough for the 4-hours it takes because she is in too much pain from bed sores caused by rehab workers refusing to clean her properly. She has been in the new rehab center less than a week now. 

She spent just a couple of days at home after being released from  the hospital with my brother and uncle trying to  help her. The first night home was enough to convince everyone that she can't live there anymore. She really needs to be in assisted living and the last thing she wants to do is go to "a home." 

Last night was a meeting with her doctors and my brother and uncle. 

signal is silent

She is finally out of the hospital, only to spend a day at home before going to another rehab center. My brother and uncle were at her house the evening she came home and the two of them together were unable to care for her. My brother had to get back to work and can't be there for her.

My sister-in-law has taken the two dogs to a West Highland Terrier rescue group. My uncle is still not 100% back to normal health and now has unexplained fainting spells. I tried phoning my mother today but was only able to leave voicemails. My sister-in-law has told me the cell phone reception is very bad there and she does not have a landline phone in her room. I'll keep trying but I don't expect to get through.

It's almost a relief not to talk to her, to be honest, rather than hear her sobbing for the entire call. She just talks about how bad her doctors and nurses are and how nobody cares about her, including myself. I can't shake off the sorrow I feel every time I try to talk to her. My sister-in-law says a glass or two of merlot immediately afterwards helps.

Time

Tonight, I start a course of 12 of night classes that I purchased about a month ago for an introduction to AutoCAD. Seemed like something just common enough to find some work in around here and one of the few things I haven't specifically worked in before. The classes are twice a week, Tuesday and Thursdays, from 6PM to 9PM.

Last week, out of the blue, I went on two interviews that led to me being hired part part time at a local home decor retailer. My first day of training for the retail job starts tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM. They did not tell me how long the day would be. I assume I will be out by 5PM or earlier but that is unknown. I also don't know how many hours a week I get to start at.

I am hoping I can easily juggle both things for as long as all the classes I paid for last. I am also hoping the job goes well and that I might soon be brought on board full time. The future is uncertain but hopeful. As usual, I am extremely anxious about both. I want to do well at the job. It's the first retail place I've worked in many years and my self esteem in that area, or any new place, is low these days after not working for so long. None of my old activities before I left to care for my mother have returned so I am still trying to start over again.

Speaking of my mother, she is still in the hospital. Whenever I phone, all she does is cry. She says she is in constant pain that nothing can help. She worries about her two dogs and wants to be home with them. She says everyone has abandoned her. No one can physically visit her because she is in isolation again with contagious infections at the same hospital that made her sick to begin with so there is really nothing I can do for her other than call her on the phone often. It's really hard to take. She won't take her meds anymore and her mood swings go from constant crying to being angry at everyone who is trying to take care of her which, of course, makes it difficult for anyone to want to be around her for love or money.

Good night sweet prince

One of the most wonderful things about David Bowie is what he taught us by example: Be a trend-setter and a creator. Rather than following the current stream and most apparent direction, make your own.

It is a shock and a feeling of personal loss that he is gone. One last creative burst - then silence. Like fireworks.

Wake up

I woke up this morning at 7:00 a.m. to a loud noise and flash of light outside the bedroom window. Looked around the house for any signs as to what it was. We still had power and it did not sound quite loud enough to be an outdoor transformer. Nothing appears to be out of the norm in or around the house. I wanted to phone the girl next door to see if she saw or heard anything but it was too early and I did not want to wake her up.

I still have no idea what it might have been.

It's a wet, warm morning here at Casa WereMonster. Birds are singing. I refilled the seed feeder earlier, while checking the back of the house for any signs of the mystery pop this morning. We're up and active here already, after the wake up call from The Universe. MonsterMustDie is checking mobile communications plans and costs. I'm must waiting to watch CBS Sunday Morning. Wondering what the rest of the day will offer us.


Update:
My next door neighbor confirmed hearing the pop this morning as well. She said it sounded like her house was snapping in two. John also heard the noise and saw the flash outside the window this morning. We still have no idea what is it was.

Frozen

Weremonkey.com is still dead in the water. 1950.com has been reclaimed from the pirates but is on lock-down for the moment until everything is sorted out. Then, MonsterMustDie is hoping to sell his site, wishing he had quoted a much higher price for the domain name. I am just hoping to regain control of my site so that I can actually do something useful with it, like create a nice independent portfolio - and possible online shop - and a list of simple email addresses for very specific functions. So far, things are still frozen in process.

I hadn't heard from my mother since New Years Eve, when she sent me a text asking that I NOT phone her at midnight (a tradition in my family) because she planned to be asleep. I phoned a few days afterwards with no answer to my calls or voice mails. Wednesday, I finally spoke to her. She is once again in the hospital, on the 5th floor.

I wondered why my uncle or sister-in-law did not let me know she was back in the hospital or what was up. As it turns out, my uncle Ron is recovering from surgery and is incapacitated at the moment, having his own things to worry about. He recently had one knee replaced (the other knee needs to be done also) and this week, he's had surgery on his arm.

My sister-in-law is busy as well with a sick mother and husband. My brother is bedridden with double pneumonia and her mother is in the same hospital now, on the 4th floor with both pneumonia and a viral infection which was described as “like tuberculosis but not tuberculosis”. When I phoned my sister-in-law, she was busy cleaning her parents house - kitchen, floors, bathrooms, laundry, linens - in preparation for her mother being released from the hospital in a couple of days.

Oh, and my next door neighbor is still recovering from a health-crash over the holidays that resulted in pneumonia that set off multiple autoimmune disorders. Her doctors don't seem to know where to start with her because one cure sets off another problem so she is dealing with an avalanche of illnesses now. All caused by her own stressed-out body.


Meanwhile, all of our household is healthy. We are counting our blessings, knocking on wood, and crossing our fingers for a well winter.

Odd mark

Yesterday,  I slipped on a rug while trying to reach the phone in time to answer a call and fell hard on my right hip. I expected to have a huge bruise and a sore right side by today but there's no pain or mark where I hit the wood floor.  Instead,  there is only this  very dark small spot, about the size of a quarter,  on my left side, opposite to where I landed.