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Saturday, January 30, 2016

Dark Night

Just wandering around my mother's home, unable to sleep.  Going through her closet while trying to make room to hang the clothes I brought.  There are so many clothes hanging,  never worn, with the price tags still on them. There are never - read books and a new DVD of Downtown Abby,  still shrink wrapped.  My mother, by her own choice,  is dying in a hospital room now and there is so much she was still planning to do.  The decision she made seems too quick but I know it was her decision to make.

The infamous food processor she purchased while I was with her, telling me "You can inherit it" when I raised an eyebrow at it, is still in the box.  She bought it because it chops/cubes - a feature that her old one doesn't have.

I found some red wine I had squirrel ed away and poured myself a glass.  Now I'm just sitting in the floor writing, drinking & crying.  Can't sleep.  Noticing how all the lights are on timers.

Bygone

Mother's bookshelf

Friday, January 29, 2016

Traveling home

My mother had decided to continue her dialysis when she was in so much pain after trying to discontinue going to treatments from home. This gave me hope that she was adjusting to life with her caregiver and still depending on a walker or, most recently, a wheelchair to get around.  

Then she changed her mind and wanted to discontinue all medical treatment. She does not want to live if she can't do so at home, with her dogs, on her own. She says she is tired. She said we have to let her go. She wants to die rather than have to live in managed care. She went back into the hospital and was on morphine. She was not speaking to me or answering my phone calls for several days. Now I know why she was avoiding me.


 
I am always trying to catch Bill Board when I am traveling between North Carolina and Georgia. 

Her final decision

We were already planning to drive down to Georgia early Saturday morning to visit my mother. I got a call from my sister-in-law last night to say that my mother had decided to discontinue her treatments again and wanted pain medication above all else. This meant the medication alone might kill her. My sister-in-law said Mom might not make it through the night on the meds and will probably be only semi-conscious from this point on. She phrased it as I should probably be there last night but, since everyone thinks that travel on icy roads at night might be dangerous,  I should come down today rather than Saturday.

I emailed work to explain that I would not be in today and why, briefly. Got an affirmative response from my manager, who said he completely understood.

I am packing as much as I might need to wear. MonsterMustDie started complaining about me bringing too many things and not wanting to bring clothes for a funeral. I told him the future is uncertain and that, if he didn't want my stuff filling up his car on the drive down to my mother's house, I would just make the trip alone. Looks like he's relented and will be coming down with me and my clothes today. I can leave everything I bring at my mother's house, spread out on her bed if we leave on Sunday morning. At least, if I don't need it immediately for an unplanned long stay there, I'll be more prepared. This is no longer a plan to make a fast visit in one day, like he wanted to do originally.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

This morning

I got this text from my sister-in-law this morning. 

Loretta has decided she doesn't want dialysis.
I'll go in the morning to Anderson Mill just to make sure. 
She is very tired and just wants to die. 
She is pretty swollen right now. The nurse talked to all of us and explained to Loretta that the fluid will make her heart stop. Loretta said the doctor said her spine is gone. I'll talk to the doctor in the morning about moving her to a hospice facility...


By tonight, my mother has decided she is in too much pain not to get dialysis. Missing her treatments has caused much more serious swelling and her potassium levels are high as well as her blood pressure.

New text from my sister-in-law. 
Fwd: Hi Jules. She is doing much better. Kids and Andy are here. 
They will do dialysis in the morning since her blood pressure is high. 

MonsterMustDie wants to come with me to Georgia. This, of course means taking time off the new job I am training for. I'll talk to my supervisor tomorrow to tell him I've got to take Saturday through Monday off so we can make the trip. We have keys to my mother's place so I plan to just stay there in Kennesaw while we are down to see her. Don't know what else to do. I mean I really don't know what to do or when to do it. My mother is not answering or returning my phone calls. All I can think of doing is just showing up at the hospice to see her.

Mother

My sister-in-law phoned yesterday afternoon to let me know my mother was refusing to go to dialysis treatment.  She was complaining about not being able to sit up long enough for the 4-hours it takes because she is in too much pain from bed sores caused by rehab workers refusing to clean her properly. She has been in the new rehab center less than a week now. 

She spent just a couple of days at home after being released from  the hospital with my brother and uncle trying to  help her. The first night home was enough to convince everyone that she can't live there anymore. She really needs to be in assisted living and the last thing she wants to do is go to "a home." 

Last night was a meeting with her doctors and my brother and uncle. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016

signal is silent

She is finally out of the hospital, only to spend a day at home before going to another rehab center. My brother and uncle were at her house the evening she came home and the two of them together were unable to care for her. My brother had to get back to work and can't be there for her.

My sister-in-law has taken the two dogs to a West Highland Terrier rescue group. My uncle is still not 100% back to normal health and now has unexplained fainting spells. I tried phoning my mother today but was only able to leave voicemails. My sister-in-law has told me the cell phone reception is very bad there and she does not have a landline phone in her room. I'll keep trying but I don't expect to get through.

It's almost a relief not to talk to her, to be honest, rather than hear her sobbing for the entire call. She just talks about how bad her doctors and nurses are and how nobody cares about her, including myself. I can't shake off the sorrow I feel every time I try to talk to her. My sister-in-law says a glass or two of merlot immediately afterwards helps.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Time

Tonight, I start a course of 12 of night classes that I purchased about a month ago for an introduction to AutoCAD. Seemed like something just common enough to find some work in around here and one of the few things I haven't specifically worked in before. The classes are twice a week, Tuesday and Thursdays, from 6PM to 9PM.

Last week, out of the blue, I went on two interviews that led to me being hired part part time at a local home decor retailer. My first day of training for the retail job starts tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM. They did not tell me how long the day would be. I assume I will be out by 5PM or earlier but that is unknown. I also don't know how many hours a week I get to start at.

I am hoping I can easily juggle both things for as long as all the classes I paid for last. I am also hoping the job goes well and that I might soon be brought on board full time. The future is uncertain but hopeful. As usual, I am extremely anxious about both. I want to do well at the job. It's the first retail place I've worked in many years and my self esteem in that area, or any new place, is low these days after not working for so long. None of my old activities before I left to care for my mother have returned so I am still trying to start over again.

Speaking of my mother, she is still in the hospital. Whenever I phone, all she does is cry. She says she is in constant pain that nothing can help. She worries about her two dogs and wants to be home with them. She says everyone has abandoned her. No one can physically visit her because she is in isolation again with contagious infections at the same hospital that made her sick to begin with so there is really nothing I can do for her other than call her on the phone often. It's really hard to take. She won't take her meds anymore and her mood swings go from constant crying to being angry at everyone who is trying to take care of her which, of course, makes it difficult for anyone to want to be around her for love or money.

Good night sweet prince

One of the most wonderful things about David Bowie is what he taught us by example: Be a trend-setter and a creator. Rather than following the current stream and most apparent direction, make your own.

It is a shock and a feeling of personal loss that he is gone. One last creative burst - then silence. Like fireworks.



Sunday, January 10, 2016

Wake up

I woke up this morning at 7:00 a.m. to a loud noise and flash of light outside the bedroom window. Looked around the house for any signs as to what it was. We still had power and it did not sound quite loud enough to be an outdoor transformer. Nothing appears to be out of the norm in or around the house. I wanted to phone the girl next door to see if she saw or heard anything but it was too early and I did not want to wake her up.

I still have no idea what it might have been.

It's a wet, warm morning here at Casa WereMonster. Birds are singing. I refilled the seed feeder earlier, while checking the back of the house for any signs of the mystery pop this morning. We're up and active here already, after the wake up call from The Universe. MonsterMustDie is checking mobile communications plans and costs. I'm must waiting to watch CBS Sunday Morning. Wondering what the rest of the day will offer us.


Update:
My next door neighbor confirmed hearing the pop this morning as well. She said it sounded like her house was snapping in two. John also heard the noise and saw the flash outside the window this morning. We still have no idea what is it was.

Friday, January 08, 2016

Frozen

Weremonkey.com is still dead in the water. 1950.com has been reclaimed from the pirates but is on lock-down for the moment until everything is sorted out. Then, MonsterMustDie is hoping to sell his site, wishing he had quoted a much higher price for the domain name. I am just hoping to regain control of my site so that I can actually do something useful with it, like create a nice independent portfolio - and possible online shop - and a list of simple email addresses for very specific functions. So far, things are still frozen in process.

I hadn't heard from my mother since New Years Eve, when she sent me a text asking that I NOT phone her at midnight (a tradition in my family) because she planned to be asleep. I phoned a few days afterwards with no answer to my calls or voice mails. Wednesday, I finally spoke to her. She is once again in the hospital, on the 5th floor.

I wondered why my uncle or sister-in-law did not let me know she was back in the hospital or what was up. As it turns out, my uncle Ron is recovering from surgery and is incapacitated at the moment, having his own things to worry about. He recently had one knee replaced (the other knee needs to be done also) and this week, he's had surgery on his arm.

My sister-in-law is busy as well with a sick mother and husband. My brother is bedridden with double pneumonia and her mother is in the same hospital now, on the 4th floor with both pneumonia and a viral infection which was described as “like tuberculosis but not tuberculosis”. When I phoned my sister-in-law, she was busy cleaning her parents house - kitchen, floors, bathrooms, laundry, linens - in preparation for her mother being released from the hospital in a couple of days.

Oh, and my next door neighbor is still recovering from a health-crash over the holidays that resulted in pneumonia that set off multiple autoimmune disorders. Her doctors don't seem to know where to start with her because one cure sets off another problem so she is dealing with an avalanche of illnesses now. All caused by her own stressed-out body.


Meanwhile, all of our household is healthy. We are counting our blessings, knocking on wood, and crossing our fingers for a well winter.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Odd mark

Yesterday,  I slipped on a rug while trying to reach the phone in time to answer a call and fell hard on my right hip. I expected to have a huge bruise and a sore right side by today but there's no pain or mark where I hit the wood floor.  Instead,  there is only this  very dark small spot, about the size of a quarter,  on my left side, opposite to where I landed.