Signs of Spring:
I looked in my closet this morning and could hardly find anything I liked.
Of the few things I did like, I couldn't find anything to wear with them.
Must be a chick thing.


... but I do really dig my new pink sneakers.

Twas a lovely weekend.

Saturday - went to see Live Faust and Die Young at the Center For Puppetry Arts. Bobby Box has come up with a new deadly sin that I quite agree with in his retelling of the story of Faust.

Sunday - hung out in East Atlanta with Spike. Cruised by Audrey and Nick's to look at houses for sale in the neighborhood. Introduced Spike to the new Vegan restaurant there now. Got some new pink Converse high top sneakers! Picked up a pair in violet while I was at it as well.

Still hunting for the perfect small urban messenger bag. Something I can carry on me when I go to Paris next month as well as a work-day bag.

Once again, another quiet day.

Hopefully it'll stay that way.

No email or phone calls from James tonight for me. That's good.
No one else has mentioned him so I will choose to believe all is quiet on the front.

Otherwise, was a good day at work. Planning to get some sleep tonight.

So, James phoned my mother today - just when I think well, maybe he's gotten tired of this rage and can lick his wounds, real or imagined, alone and quietly. She said he was strangely calm and very inquisitive as to what I was up to and who E.K. is and what he's like. He called her by her first name. That's all she said he really had to say. Spoke to her like he had no idea anything was wrong. I apologized for his behavior dragging her and my father into this.

I'm sure he put on his own new-age Eddie Haskel style face like "Goodness, what could be wrong with our Jules?" or some such odd speak.

What to do. I'm just refusing to reward this behavior with any contact. This is no one's fight.

Thursday night I was exhausted and decided to take my chances, have a long shower and sleep in my own bed. Audrey and Nick said I was welcome to stay with them again but I decided to hunker down here as long as there were no James sightings. Told my two immediate neighbors the situation and exchanged phone numbers with them. There were a few phone calls around 4 AM that I didn't answer. My guess is they were just to wake me up anyway.

Friday there was a flow of nasty and then challenging and then all out odd emails.

Subject: News you may or may not want to know...
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 12:35:22 -0400
From: James Clark

I'm finally getting some relief from my overactive kundalini.
I'm working with a lady in Sacramento who has helped a lot.

Jules, I've been talking with Gwen Presnell.
I have spoken to her at length on the telephone.
I'm been checking into information she gave me.

Do you have any objections?

James


Saturday has been quiet, thankfully.

My now-former friend James has decided to become a stalker. Last night, I slept at
Audrey and Nick's house. I was coming home after making photos of a friend's band
- it was around 11:20 at night - and I saw him walking around my driveway, so I just
kept driving.

He was dressed like a ghost of the 80's in skinny black stretchy or
leatherette pants and a red muscle shirt with his hair pulled back in a pony tail.

I believe he's having a nervous breakdown.

I can not save him.

My weekend was interesting. I had a very good time hanging with Djeto and
his friends and band mates Friday and Saturday. It was an excellent re-inforcement
of positive male images for my psyche.

A little rant:

Saturday evening, I got a call from a friend that had a tone
to it just odd enough to set off alarms inside - So, I had to tell him
I was not interested in expanding the perimeters of our friendship (i.e.
I will not , do not want to, have sex or become romantically involved with
him.) That, as expected, got a really nasty accusatory response from him
that soon evolved into him:

1. trying to make me feel as guilty as possible about abandoning him
in his moment of need

2. saying I wanted it all along even if I wasn't aware of it - I was
sending out signals to him.

3. perhaps something is seriously wrong with me for running from love.

4. he is dealing with such huge abandonment issues that he is feeling
suicidal.

And the irony is - none of his words were anything I hadn't heard before
from other men in very emotionally challenging times like just after a
divorce, trying to prove their own heterosexuality or, in his case, the
nearing death of a loved one combined with a mid-life crisis. I feel sorry
for him, but I also know I can't save him and forming a falsehood like
that would only make matters much much worse. I never said I was not his
friend. I told him I would continue to be his friend. He wasn't interested
in hearing that.

How does a person best deal with that?

The maraschino was I ran into another old pal in L5P this weekend and
related this event to him and my hope that it doesn't turn ugly. He told
me he's on the other side of that coin right now as he is in his words,
totally out of his mind right now trying to stop himself from stalking
his ex-wife. Then he showed me the cuts on his hand (this is not a L5P
character- he's a regular yuppie working-class Joe, no criminal record,
etc.) and explained how they came from smashing in her window when she
wouldn't answer the door. Said he got to meet her new boyfriend then.

man-oh-man

You can not fuck a person into happiness.
Friends don't expect that from each other.

No one can save another person from themselves. We can certainly aid each other and provide support and strength, but ultimately we are responsible for ourselves. Just like no one can expect to "fix" an alcoholic or addict of any other kind.

No friendship is immune from sexual expectation. My grandmother says "The penis rules the world." and perhaps she is right.

I maintain my right to say no. I also maintain my right to protect myself from disasters I can see forming in the distance when others are still oblivious. I would like to say I've been proven wrong on my assumptions in the past, but I never have. I have, tragically, been right in my gut feelings every time and repeatedly have to remind myself of this when I try to ignore my instincts.

I am sorry if that makes some people feel like I'm cold and unloving. I give love freely and have good friends I would do anything for. This kind of sacrifice will not help anyone and will only make matters much much worse.

Long days at work still but they're getting better.

I will be in purgatory again on getting back with Gwen's family for two more weeks.

Got home before 7 p.m. today. Made rice for dinner and watched The Osbournes on MTV, my new favorite show.

Tired. Bored. Frustrated. Lonely.

I got this email Saturday in reference to my making an appointment with my doctor on the possiblities of a bloodtest to prove, once and for all, if Gwen and her family are really my blood reatives.

Subject: You want answers?
Date: Sat, 30 Mar 2002 10:39:33 -0500
From: GwenPresnell@netscape.net (Gwen Presnell)

When your sister, Jennifer, told me about you wanting a blood test, my immediate
responce was now I don't like being acused of lying. If you want the whole story, ask
Lorretta and Jim, your parents, or Sadie and Joe Gabriel in Smyrna, GA-who got us all
together. Joe worked in Lockeed and so did Lorretta, so he knew about her wishing for
children.

I can't really afford expensive testing, but I bleed so much these that I could
easily send some DNA to you. I'll be at my other daughter's.
Mon, so you could call me there. The phone number is (321)632-3316.
Jennifer thinks you hate me for giving you up. Do you? If so I guess I don't
blame you, but I could never have raised you as well as they did.
Love,
Mama Gwen
--
E-mail is nice, but face to face is better.