Relax

Having a relaxed day just taking care of routines. Having a fresh haircut and color. Next,  planning to take a few old things to donate to Goodwill. Then, perhaps I can find inspiration to cook dinner,  though it will probably just be pasta and green salad.

Trying to accept where I'm at and where I'm not without letting my brain melt down. Feeling the beginning symptoms of a winter cold. I've got a foggy sore throat now.

Thanksgiving 2017

I am thankful for our friends Karen and Bob, who invited us to spend Thanksgiving day at their home in Greensboro with their family and neighbors. We had a fantastic heritage turkey that was cooked perfectly, home-made cranberry-pear sauce, traditional green bean casserole, ultra-fatty mashed potatoes, multiple pies, homemade dressing and lots of little munchables in between. We brought a marionberry pie from Deep Roots Market and roasted root vegetables that I cooked in two separated batches - one with carrots and fennel and shallots; the other with garlic, carrots, potatoes, and parsnips. Separating the batches was a smart move for anyone not sure if they liked fennel and carrots. Me and Bob enjoyed the little batch with fennel while Karen and MonsterMustDie could have the rest without the fennel flavor. Lots of spirits and conversation. Oddly enough, in a twist of normal roles, MonsterMustDie was very happy to socialize and he managed to say the most inappropriate things all night (not me!). Good times.

I work the usual four hours today at my little retail job. Should be interesting to be there on a Black Friday. Despite the fact that our store does nothing different for this day other than being open holiday hours now until the new year, I am sure it will be a wild time and grateful that I do not have to open or close the store today. Thankful for my coworkers.

Interesting Week

It's been a very interesting week, both good and bad. Mostly fun. This past week I got to see three friends who live far away - John from California last weekend and then Gillian and Brandon from Atlanta during the week. I was incredibly happy to see everyone. After the sad no-show at both gatherings I tried to get neighbors to attend in October, I was in need of love and I got it.

Tonight, the pipes under the kitchen sink decided to let me know they've had enough. The sink and the base of the cabinet aren't doing too well, either. MonsterMustDie thinks he can fix it himself. MonsterMustDie just got home from Phillipe's party where he drank too much. We shall see what his more sober thoughts on this are tomorrow - after I work my retail gig and he marches in the High Point Christmas Parade as a banner-bearer for BuzziSpace USA.

 

John and moi got to meet up for dinner at The Pit and a good hang out and conversation,

followed by watching him play bass with Lukas Nelson in Durham, North Carolina.

 

Then it was back to reality the next day, going back to my little part time retail gig.

I did something I rarely do - I actually bought something for myself. I could not resist buying the  Red Fox pajamas. MonsterMustDie has not seen them yet. I think it might be a good idea to spring it on him one cold night when I get home from work after he has already gone to bed.  I did confer with Gilli, Sandy, and Karen via text messages before deciding that I must have this. 

A couple of days later, I was delighted that Brandon and Gillian made a trip to High Point just to see me. Gillian, never missing a shopportunity, brought me multiple belated birthday presents. We gave Brandon and Gillian the short tour of Casa WereMonster. Then we had dinner at 98 Asian Bistro before they headed back on the road home to Atlanta.  

 

 Love you, Gilli. 

 

 

Ghost

I invited everyone I have met and my immediate neighbors to the house for jack o lantern carving and no one came. We did, however have one guest I did not expect.  MonsterMustDie's cousin, a political journalist and photographer, came to visit us on his way south for the winter.  He parked his van in our driveway and spent the night there. He refused our offer to stay in the guestroom,  preferring to stay in the van, which is his little home. It was a good visit for the cousins,  remembering family stories and mutual friends.  He left early the next morning. 

I invited everyone I could to come by Halloween night and only one couple I know showed up,  bearing food and beer. The four of us enjoyed trick-or-treaters together.

I will continue to host Halloween here because the trick-or-treat makes it worthwhile but I'm giving up on everything else.  I only hope I can visit  Atlanta next October and during the holidays next year.

no golden eggs here.

We started out today with MonsterMustDie talking about money and the lack of it and how we aren't making enough for both of us to live on. He started talking once again about me starting my own business with a JulesPerryPhotography website. I told him I have two websites - one on wordpress and one on Wix - that have created absolutely no interest on old photos of musicians or in selling me as a graphic designer. There is no huge pot of money waiting for him in my corner. I suggested not wasting money on small things and concentrating everything we have on finishing the most important parts of the house, like the kitchen, to have the house itself generate income during Market weeks as an AirB&B. He is appalled at the idea of sharing our home with other people who we do not know and says we might as well give up and sell the house if we are going to do that. He also wants to make money with no investment or debt whatsoever, which is an impossible task. I think it probably defies physics and all laws of nature and economics to expect me to come up with a way to bring us instant money with no risk or investment.

All this weeks after I told him that I did not want any discussions or mention of money unless it was options for improving our lifestyle or income. The photography and graphic design website idea is at least three years old and I am tired of hearing about my failure in it. He thought I would be a big fish in a small pond when we moved to High Point (despite saying things would be so cheap here that I could be a kept woman - he forgets that now) but instead I am a dried up flounder lying on dry rocks where there is no place to swim. We have burned all of my bridges and extra-support by leaving the city and there is no going back - only forward from this place. He shoots down every other idea I come up with and tells me how it can never work and how stupid I am if I pursue it.

This is a typical day when we are both at home. Being trapped in the house with him here makes me want to pack a suitcase and drive away as far as I can until the car runs out of gas and fling myself off a bridge somewhere.

Halloween Decorations

I am beginning to get my happy Halloween on here at Casa WereMonster.

Adding to my burdens

The ache and sting in my left arm that started in September is still with me and has kinda changed to more of a sting than a bruised feeling. Not always there but springs up predictably when I move my arm or have to hold something with my left hand. Always some small malady going on. At least my back is better now.

A stray cat came up to us one night last week and introduced himself by jumping into my lap while we were sitting around the fire talking to Karen and Bob. He was extremely friendly, emaciated, and coughing with a labored breathing. He came back up to me every night afterwards and was obviously sleeping in the dried leaves at the end of our back yard. I took him into a veterinary clinic that was recommended to me. He tested FIV positive and had a respiratory infection. Rather than have him euthanized immediately, I had his other vaccinations updated and had the vet give him a long-acting antibiotic shot. Now, he's living on the back porch here until I can figure out what to do with him. I'm feeding him as much as I can to put some flesh on him and the cough is already lessened. His appetite is much better now too. He still longs to be outside and we really can't keep him in the back room permanently. We have to find another home for him, euthanize him, or put him back outdoors despite the vet telling me that I couldn't let him be outside again. I would LOVE to find him a new home as a solitary pet for someone or in a FIV+ cat rescue. Of course, all shelters of that sort that I've found are not taking in any new animals. Normal animal shelters don't take FIV+ animals - they are put down immediately, which is what I probably should have done, but he is such a sweet cat I thought I should try to do what I could to give him a chance at a longer life.

MonsterMustDie has been fighting a cold and what might be an intestinal virus or mild case of food poisoning this week. He's been completely depleted at the end of every day and short tempered, both from the physical stresses he is enduring now and the mental stress of this cat I put on the back porch. Every thing that was on the porch as far as laundry hampers, chair covers, etc. is now in the house to make room for the cat and to keep that area easier to clean. 

New Crown

My first crown to replace a large old filling.

Rain UTI s Crown Art

Raining all day today. Remnants of Hurricane Irma are passing through North Carolina.
I woke up this morning with a UTI that has probably been brewing in my body since Saturday and spent all morning in the local emergency clinic,  where my health insurance was once again denied by BCBS.
The events of this morning and most made me forget my afternoon dental appointment to have a crown put in to replace a very large old filling.
Looking out the window from the dentist chair and I wonder if the white textured wall across the parking lot from my dentist office would work for projection art.

Halloween Shopping

Home Depot were stocking the shelves with Halloween stuff yesterday. Great stuff to buy before everything on the shelves gets destroyed by delighted children who can't resist yanking it out of boxes or pulling on cables. The skeletons were a disappointment - Target had much better skeletons last year. The outdoor lighting looks great.
I went there with Karen and Christian and we were all jolly exploring new products on the shelves.
Target has only begun to clear shelves to make room for Halloween but they have only put out a little candy so far. The candy includes some rather realistic gummy eyeball ice cube trays.

All of this was done after MonsterMustDie called in some service providers to look at the non-functioning AC at Casa WereMonster. They determined 1. the filters had not been changed since he bought the house and were completely clogged. 2. the capacitor was kaput. Service call and parts cost $210, which I paid for. The fan is working again and two new filters are in the central unit. All is well again with what is probably a temporary fix. Our AC/Heating is a dinosaur that was already past its projected lifespan when we started living here.

Native plants

Can anyone identify this plant that showed up in our backyard in North Carolina?  There are 3 of them, between 30"-37" tall.

Eclipse Day

We left Georgia early this morning and drove to Pomeria, just outside Columbia,  South Carolina to experience the eclipse with Philip Clark and John Shealy at their house in the country.  The guys had their glasses ready and we're hosting a small gathering of friends.

The drive up to SC was easy but there was a lot of traffic on the way home afterwards.  It's been a busy weekend. 

A day in Atlanta

Spending most of today waiting in the car while MonsterMustDie shops for antiques.  I've had enough walking b around looking at dead people's stuff. At least we made it to a liquor store to get a few things we can't get in NC like proper maraschino cherries and bitters,  as well as cheaper booze.

We had lunch at Farm Burger, where the waiter dropped my salad dressing on the floor, causing it to splatter all of its contents on my shoulder bag, foot, jeans and T-shirt. Now, I have to wear the remnants the rest of today.

Update: We went to Junkman's Daughter for me to buy two new shirts for myself to wear to dinner. I wiped off as much of the dressing as I could from my bag and pants with paper towels and soda water. 

Dinner was great. I got over my unfortunate event earlier in the day. We met our favorite Soogs at Shoya Izakaya Japanese pub where I had good sushi and sake and sake. Then, we went next door for desert at Kula, a more family-style restaurant with food coming to the table on conveyers after orders were made from a tabletop touch screen. Everyone ordered ice-cream or frozen mochi. Lots of lively conversation as we all tried to catch up with each other. 

Working late

MonsterMustDie is still at work installing European lights at the Mill. I'm calling it a night now. Somehow,  he always manages to get into some kind of insane project just before we go on a long road trip. :(

time warp dreams

Thanks to SleepyTime Tea...

My dreams last night were a weird combination of American Gods and Doctor Who.

It was my college graduation day. Not quite the same because it involved my friends from Little Five Points and Womens Night combined, many of whom were working and living in an odd old apartment building that was filled with creativity and photographic opportunities.

It was raining off and on. My mother and brother and, oddly enough, my grandmother were there. My father was not with them because my parents were divorcing. My mother was insisting that I leave immediately with them in the car after the graduation ceremony without speaking to anyone else while saying "you're never going to see them again anyway" because I was meant to spend the rest of my life taking care of her. I turned around and walked away from the car and to the building where my friends were celebrating, never looking back. Everyone was welcoming me and offering me food and a place to sleep in the apartment building.

Next, I'm outside a large modern public building with Doctor Who and his companions. We all have the same color of red hair. We're fighting British red coat, revolutionary soldiers, who are firing at us with muskets.

dream reunions

I had a dream about a birthday party for Chet, a friend of my parents who has a son and daughter the same age as me and my brother. He and his wife were lifelong friends of my parents from the time they were in Jaycees together as young adults. The party was at a large house like my family's home or his home. There were several people who I realized in the dream were already gone from this life like my parents and my maternal grandmother.  There were also guests who were neighbors and family of Chet who I had not met before. At some point during the dream I realized it was actually a going-away party being thrown for him and attended by both the living and the deceased.

Mammogram

Photogram  images seem very appropriate for the waiting room of an office that provides mammograms.

Highly experienced. Bored. Broke.

I've spent 30 years at a career that is no longer necessary. I desperately need an entirely new skill set. 

Print is dead. Advertising is only for Account Executives with MBA's. Large publications are all produced in China now, even if the parent publishing company is here in the US. Most potential clients really do not see the difference between design that took several hours to perfect vs anything created with a MS Office template. I suppose it's just like the writer or journalist dilemma where everyone thinks they can do it for themselves.

Photography, as a profession, is dead - seems like everything can be made with a cell phone now to acceptable standards of the industry. Still images are dead, mostly. Animation (made in China) or video/film (still made in the USA) is the only desired way for producing images here for money. Everyone only wants recent graduates with degrees in Computer Science (preferably Masters, but in a pinch a Bachelors is acceptable). Oh, and there is no film industry I can find where I'm living now, anyway.

Yep. My industry is kaput and so are all of my career options. Now, I really wish I at least had friends here and hobbies to pursue and active neighbors or place I enjoyed hanging out at - if I had the money for it. 

If you can afford to, I say pursue your passion and just have fun and enjoy life. Unfortunately for me, I can not afford to remain idle but I can't find anyone to give me work here that I am qualified for. I can not manage the time to any classes to seek a new degree, which would take years anyway, and still keep my part-time retail job, which is the only work I can find here. Everything, even banks, only offer you 12 to 18 hours a week at minimum wage. 

Meanwhile, on a daily basis, MonsterMustDie tells how I need to find a way to make money. It always sounds he believes I'm just sitting around eating Bon Bons on the couch all day and not even trying. Everything on TV says I should have already found a way to create my own company. I should be on my third independent business venture by now. It does not help that I am not a salesperson with a perky-yet-aggressive personality. I wish I was perky. I am trying to will myself to be that. 

I did have one freelance job last month that I really enjoyed working on, for some business associates of MonsterMustDie and I have made friends with one couple who live in Greensboro and are of a very similar mind to us in most things. 

However...

That is all I have accomplished in three years here. Seems like everything has been two steps forward and three steps back since we relocated to North Carolina. Bad timing. Bad luck. That's all I can say. 

Surprise

While I was at work today, someone left an empty Jack Daniels bottle in the fitting room. The "bathroom thief" also struck again for the fourth time this month.  She's a woman who removes all the tags and sensors from  items and leaves them in one of the tampon disposal bins in the restroom - usually in the handicapped stall.

still trying

The countdown is still on for the life of my last retail job here. I managed to sell one credit card application this week and was reminded that I needed to sell nine more to make my minimum goal for a week. I have not been entirely cut from the schedule yet but I expect this job to end soon just because I am not a good salesperson.

I have seen co-workers, on their cell phones in the break room, calling friends and family to ask them to come in to sign up for credit cards from them so I know I am not the only one whose job is being threatened by the pressure to sign more people up for the store credit cards. All because a study found that people will spend 30 percent more a year at stores they hold credit cards at.

I am thinking my next work attempt will be bars and restaurants. That way, I could learn more about the service industry and, hopefully, pick places very close to home to try to work at. If I am working for tips or below minimum wage, I need to be close enough that I don't have to spend much money or time to get to work. My car is getting older and I don't need to be too dependent on it if I'm not making enough money to maintain it.

Happy Birthday

We are going through flea markets in North Carolina for MonsterMustDie's 62nd birthday today.  The heat and sun are already taking their toll on me.

update:

After listening to his incessant complaining about how I ruined his day of picking ( and yes, I did slow him down. He probably came home earlier because of me) I must remember to never go on trips with him again. I really thought it would be bad for me to have him spend his entire birthday alone but just the opposite was true. Next year, he will be blissfully on his own for the entire weekend. 

Evening at the Mill Village Collective

Tonight is nearly the end of the High Point Market and we were lucky enough to enjoy a dinner with all participants here with food served by Cisco Brothers. 

working for a living

Good news is that I have a small freelance job that will be the first graphic design gig I've had in 2017. Hopefully, it will lead to more work with the same client and their associates. I would love to find meaningful work again.

Bad news is I was, essentially fired from my remaining retail job yesterday due to my inability to sale the prerequisite amount of store credit cards to the public. I am simply not a sales person. Although credit card account sales is not specifically in my job description as a cashier and sales floor associate, every retail company does require a minimum amount of store-specific credit cards to be sold by all associates. At the risk of looking like a complete asshole to customers, I tried to promote the card yesterday, after my one-month termination notice, to every customer with zero results no matter how assertive I tried to be with it. I am not made for sales or retail. Never have been. I like working with the public and meeting people during the day but I'm useless in retail. And there is no value in retail wages or the low part-time hours.

Other people I know my age who have been displaced by the changing job market have gone into real estate sales as a new career. My retail experience tells me I can never do that.

Meanwhile, MonsterMustDie is being more assertive that I need to find a way to make money to contribute equally to the house. He insists I can make money still doing basic graphic design as an independent freelancer and he thinks I'll make money in photography if I start a commercial photo website. I don't know all the ins and outs of setting up a commercial website - I just make eye candy. And what kind of photos would I sell now? All of my old music business connections are gone. I haven't been out to a single show or club since we moved here to North Carolina. It is a desert here for me.

This makes me want to return to my little condo in Atlanta more every day, where I would have low cost of living in a tiny space and less dependence on my car and, maybe, some of my old work connections.

Really, I just want to work and make a reasonable amount of money for household expenses.
That, and make some friends here.

The homeless problem

I figured it out.
Conceptual (fantasy) children are much more attractive than actual children. Everyone has a fantasy child - the idea of a new perfect baby that grows up to be a hugely successful adult with the best of all qualities. Babies with that are blank slates far cuter than older children and adolescents.
Homeless adults and the elderly are not cute or attractive. Quite the opposite.
This is why so many people are anti-choice or but no one wants to help actual people. Animal shelters get a lot more money than homeless shelters. People will adopt puppies before they adopt children in foster care. Puppies are cute and, since they don't speak, you never know what's going on in their heads. I would say pets are a source of unconditional love but a lot of that depends on how they're treated and if there is kibble in the bowl.

Spring fourth

Our hot water heater developed a leak yesterday in the rusted pipes connecting it to the water lines, letting us know the end is near. I'm sure the ancient heater in the basement is close behind. I'm trying to stay out of the process to replace it to avoid the usual argument of price vs quality vs time.

Despite that, I woke up in a good mood this morning after a night of very colorful dreams after I took a Motrin PM before going to bed last night. A good night's sleep can do a lot to raise my mood. The dreams were not the usual frustration dreams I constantly have of either being stuck in place or of my mother, father, and grandmother. Instead the dreams had me feeling active and creative and involved with other people, although they were only people I met in my dreams.

I got a call this morning to work at the retail job today for 6 hours. Spent one hour's pay on lunch from the grocery store next door. 

When I got home tonight, I agreed to pay for half of the new water heater. I think I've still got enough in savings to do that or I can pull it from the bank account I keep squirreled away to pay for my Atlanta condo. We will get a new water heater installed tomorrow. In a perfect world, my retail job will conveniently call me into work in the evening so I can make a little more pocket cash while still being able to be here for the installation of the new water heater. 

Oh Dear Gawd! I need a real job so badly these days. I'd give anything to have my old independent, creative, social, professional life back again. 

This and That

Good and bad news this week.

In the good, I got a few extra hours of work in yesterday at my retail job. They called me in when someone else called out. Also, MonsterMustDie got approved for the raise that he had requested this week, which takes a bit of the pressure off. We are still trying to come up with ways to make an extra $500 a month so I can stay on health insurance.

In the bad, we found out MonsterMustDie's best friend's brain surgery last month was not entirely successful. Rather than being cleared completely of the tumor he had, his doctors have given him a five-year extension on his life, as they say the tumor was malignant and they could not possibly remove every last bit of it without killing him. He and his wife are selling their homes in Birmingham, AL and Asheville, NC to consolidate everything in a new place just 20-minutes outside of Asheville, where their son is in college. Just as MonsterMustDie is trying to reconnect with this couple, time is running out.

I am hoping I can get a lot more work in at my part-time job. I am still looking for full-time work or at least something with better pay and more regular hours. I am still trying to come up with something to do independently that would generate income as well. In a perfect world, I could have my own business.

In other news, here are a few photos from my trip to Florida to visit friends in Cape Coral last month.

Argh!

Just started to roll down my car window and a flyer someone stuck on it slipped entirely into the door,  never to be seen again.  I will be very unhappy if this causes the window to cease functioning in the future. 

Snow Day

It started snowing around 5:00PM yesterday before I left work at my retail job. I wasn't scheduled for that day but they called me in and, since I'm close by, I agreed to fill in for a while. When I worked on Thursday we hardly had any customers while  the grocery store next door was slammed with people cleaning out the produce and dairy shelves. In retrospect, I should have passed on working because I was so sick with the cold I caught at the movie theatre last week. 
We woke up this morning to about 6 inches on the ground of the fluffy white stuff and it has continued to fall all day. Now, the skies are clearing and it is stunning bright outside agains deep blue skies. Phillipe and Liz stopped by to visit and wax his snow board before playing down the street.  I am scheduled to work again early tomorrow morning but I really hope they decide to keep the store closed for a day. I plan to phone in to be certain I need to be there before making MonsterMustDie drive me to work while I am still sick and snotty. 

My visit to meet Jennifer and her family in Florida last week was good. All of my anxiety over the trip was gone afte the first day there. She has a very large family - I'm gonna need a chart to keep up with who's who. Looking forward to visiting again and getting to know everyone better. 

The past falls away.

Friends of my mother's have asked me why Maurice is saying horrible things about me online. I haven't seen any of this and I am sorry they are upset by it.

I've stopped talking to Maurice since my mother died. The first stupid thing out of his mouth when she died was a smart remark. Then, in a voicemail, he criticized my marriage (although it's not a perfect relationship, I know) with another reference to my mother and my family at large. That was when I decided he was too negative a force in my life at a time when I'm at my lowest point. I told him I just could not deal with him now. He hates not getting what he wants when he wants it. He is proving my decision to be the right one.

That said, I blocked him on Facebook so I did not have to subject myself to him - and then I blocked his son when he started posting things using Tyler's account - so I have no idea what he's been saying about me online. He is welcome to rant all he wants to.

To his credit, he would phone my mother when I asked him to cheer her up. He could talk to her without her being able to make him depressed and she would behave herself much better on the phone with him than she would with me.

In his defense, I know the smart remark, though unbelieveably insensitive and hurtful, was probably something he thought would be humorous and joking about everything is the only way he knows how to react to difficult situations. I just could not take it and I still get close to an anxiety attack just thinking of speaking to him. I believe he does not understand the concept that one of the reasons Mom and I were always at odds with each other is that we were too close to each other - and so he can not possibly understand my feelings now.

The cruel remarks in voicemail were probably his way of trying to push me to respond by calling back in retort and he was probably just trying to break the silence. Not the right way to do that. Very very bad decision on his part.