Rainy Day

There are good days and bad days.
I am having a hard day today while I'm off work from my part-time retail job.


Every time I see daytime television show that my mother enjoyed, like the Talk or The Chew, etc. I start to think too much about my mother and the tears come again. The women of my tribe shop for entertainment and anything food and cooking was of great interest to my mother. Fortunately, I am not an avid shopper or QVC fan, but its that classic WASPy suburban culture that I now associate with my mother, especially from my month spent with her in October. She shopped to excess for entertainment. She obsessed over her weight all of her life. She obsessed over and enjoyed fashion trends, jewelry of all kinds, and the latest cosmetics and skincare products. Most of my nice clothes and makeup were given to me by her. This also reinforces my lack of female friends here, in NC, where I live now. I am cut off from anything feminine now without my friends around me. I really need the Womens Night ladies and the Crafty Kitch chicks and the Goth Glamour girls.

My mother was also my main connection to my family and what everyone was up to. No one else ever spoke to me or called. It was my conversations with her that kept me informed. Without her bridging that gap, I fear I will have no family. Maybe that's an irrational fear. I can only hope that all the positive bonding that took place during her passing will stay intact. I do not think my family have any understanding of my situation. It is especially sad that MonsterMustDie has no appreciation of relationships in this way after growing up as an only child in an always-relocating military family.

Maybe it's the last washing away of all of the stress from the last 5 months. Really, the last year has been nothing but stress of one sort or another. I am officially giving up on building any sort of life for myself here in North Carolina. I want to be with my people. I hate it here. It is the people and relationships that I spent a lifetime creating that I need. Some things that are started in one's twenties and thirties can not easily be recreated now because life is different and it seems like most people my age are not looking for new experiences. I don't see much art here. Art is a spiritual part of me - it is a way of living and thinking that is now gone from my life. I still want to do stupid, creative, theatrical, immature, silly things with friends and any joiners I can find. And, at last, I have not been to any live music shows or taken part in any events here. The old rocker in me is sad. I still long for the crunchy music but I have no new haunts or scenes to be a part of.

I still lack a full-time job after a year so I don't even have the ego boost of work and full professional involvement to float on. I am lucky that MonsterMustDie is able to support me, even though he often lets me know that he wants my to find work or create work for myself that would allow me to pay my half of the living expenses here. Believe me, I would gladly do that - I desperately want to be financially enabled. Being essentially a house wife leaves me with no power whatsoever on any household decisions here. I am now offically a sub. I tell everyone this is his house and I am just lucky enough to be allowed to live here.

My mood will lighten up eventually but today everything really sucks.