Highly experienced. Bored. Broke.

I've spent 30 years at a career that is no longer necessary. I desperately need an entirely new skill set. 

Print is dead. Advertising is only for Account Executives with MBA's. Large publications are all produced in China now, even if the parent publishing company is here in the US. Most potential clients really do not see the difference between design that took several hours to perfect vs anything created with a MS Office template. I suppose it's just like the writer or journalist dilemma where everyone thinks they can do it for themselves.

Photography, as a profession, is dead - seems like everything can be made with a cell phone now to acceptable standards of the industry. Still images are dead, mostly. Animation (made in China) or video/film (still made in the USA) is the only desired way for producing images here for money. Everyone only wants recent graduates with degrees in Computer Science (preferably Masters, but in a pinch a Bachelors is acceptable). Oh, and there is no film industry I can find where I'm living now, anyway.

Yep. My industry is kaput and so are all of my career options. Now, I really wish I at least had friends here and hobbies to pursue and active neighbors or place I enjoyed hanging out at - if I had the money for it. 

If you can afford to, I say pursue your passion and just have fun and enjoy life. Unfortunately for me, I can not afford to remain idle but I can't find anyone to give me work here that I am qualified for. I can not manage the time to any classes to seek a new degree, which would take years anyway, and still keep my part-time retail job, which is the only work I can find here. Everything, even banks, only offer you 12 to 18 hours a week at minimum wage. 

Meanwhile, on a daily basis, MonsterMustDie tells how I need to find a way to make money. It always sounds he believes I'm just sitting around eating Bon Bons on the couch all day and not even trying. Everything on TV says I should have already found a way to create my own company. I should be on my third independent business venture by now. It does not help that I am not a salesperson with a perky-yet-aggressive personality. I wish I was perky. I am trying to will myself to be that. 

I did have one freelance job last month that I really enjoyed working on, for some business associates of MonsterMustDie and I have made friends with one couple who live in Greensboro and are of a very similar mind to us in most things. 

However...

That is all I have accomplished in three years here. Seems like everything has been two steps forward and three steps back since we relocated to North Carolina. Bad timing. Bad luck. That's all I can say. 

Surprise

While I was at work today, someone left an empty Jack Daniels bottle in the fitting room. The "bathroom thief" also struck again for the fourth time this month.  She's a woman who removes all the tags and sensors from  items and leaves them in one of the tampon disposal bins in the restroom - usually in the handicapped stall.

still trying

The countdown is still on for the life of my last retail job here. I managed to sell one credit card application this week and was reminded that I needed to sell nine more to make my minimum goal for a week. I have not been entirely cut from the schedule yet but I expect this job to end soon just because I am not a good salesperson.

I have seen co-workers, on their cell phones in the break room, calling friends and family to ask them to come in to sign up for credit cards from them so I know I am not the only one whose job is being threatened by the pressure to sign more people up for the store credit cards. All because a study found that people will spend 30 percent more a year at stores they hold credit cards at.

I am thinking my next work attempt will be bars and restaurants. That way, I could learn more about the service industry and, hopefully, pick places very close to home to try to work at. If I am working for tips or below minimum wage, I need to be close enough that I don't have to spend much money or time to get to work. My car is getting older and I don't need to be too dependent on it if I'm not making enough money to maintain it.

Happy Birthday

We are going through flea markets in North Carolina for MonsterMustDie's 62nd birthday today.  The heat and sun are already taking their toll on me.

update:

After listening to his incessant complaining about how I ruined his day of picking ( and yes, I did slow him down. He probably came home earlier because of me) I must remember to never go on trips with him again. I really thought it would be bad for me to have him spend his entire birthday alone but just the opposite was true. Next year, he will be blissfully on his own for the entire weekend. 

Evening at the Mill Village Collective

Tonight is nearly the end of the High Point Market and we were lucky enough to enjoy a dinner with all participants here with food served by Cisco Brothers. 

working for a living

Good news is that I have a small freelance job that will be the first graphic design gig I've had in 2017. Hopefully, it will lead to more work with the same client and their associates. I would love to find meaningful work again.

Bad news is I was, essentially fired from my remaining retail job yesterday due to my inability to sale the prerequisite amount of store credit cards to the public. I am simply not a sales person. Although credit card account sales is not specifically in my job description as a cashier and sales floor associate, every retail company does require a minimum amount of store-specific credit cards to be sold by all associates. At the risk of looking like a complete asshole to customers, I tried to promote the card yesterday, after my one-month termination notice, to every customer with zero results no matter how assertive I tried to be with it. I am not made for sales or retail. Never have been. I like working with the public and meeting people during the day but I'm useless in retail. And there is no value in retail wages or the low part-time hours.

Other people I know my age who have been displaced by the changing job market have gone into real estate sales as a new career. My retail experience tells me I can never do that.

Meanwhile, MonsterMustDie is being more assertive that I need to find a way to make money to contribute equally to the house. He insists I can make money still doing basic graphic design as an independent freelancer and he thinks I'll make money in photography if I start a commercial photo website. I don't know all the ins and outs of setting up a commercial website - I just make eye candy. And what kind of photos would I sell now? All of my old music business connections are gone. I haven't been out to a single show or club since we moved here to North Carolina. It is a desert here for me.

This makes me want to return to my little condo in Atlanta more every day, where I would have low cost of living in a tiny space and less dependence on my car and, maybe, some of my old work connections.

Really, I just want to work and make a reasonable amount of money for household expenses.
That, and make some friends here.

The homeless problem

I figured it out.
Conceptual (fantasy) children are much more attractive than actual children. Everyone has a fantasy child - the idea of a new perfect baby that grows up to be a hugely successful adult with the best of all qualities. Babies with that are blank slates far cuter than older children and adolescents.
Homeless adults and the elderly are not cute or attractive. Quite the opposite.
This is why so many people are anti-choice or but no one wants to help actual people. Animal shelters get a lot more money than homeless shelters. People will adopt puppies before they adopt children in foster care. Puppies are cute and, since they don't speak, you never know what's going on in their heads. I would say pets are a source of unconditional love but a lot of that depends on how they're treated and if there is kibble in the bowl.

Spring fourth

Our hot water heater developed a leak yesterday in the rusted pipes connecting it to the water lines, letting us know the end is near. I'm sure the ancient heater in the basement is close behind. I'm trying to stay out of the process to replace it to avoid the usual argument of price vs quality vs time.

Despite that, I woke up in a good mood this morning after a night of very colorful dreams after I took a Motrin PM before going to bed last night. A good night's sleep can do a lot to raise my mood. The dreams were not the usual frustration dreams I constantly have of either being stuck in place or of my mother, father, and grandmother. Instead the dreams had me feeling active and creative and involved with other people, although they were only people I met in my dreams.

I got a call this morning to work at the retail job today for 6 hours. Spent one hour's pay on lunch from the grocery store next door. 

When I got home tonight, I agreed to pay for half of the new water heater. I think I've still got enough in savings to do that or I can pull it from the bank account I keep squirreled away to pay for my Atlanta condo. We will get a new water heater installed tomorrow. In a perfect world, my retail job will conveniently call me into work in the evening so I can make a little more pocket cash while still being able to be here for the installation of the new water heater. 

Oh Dear Gawd! I need a real job so badly these days. I'd give anything to have my old independent, creative, social, professional life back again. 

This and That

Good and bad news this week.

In the good, I got a few extra hours of work in yesterday at my retail job. They called me in when someone else called out. Also, MonsterMustDie got approved for the raise that he had requested this week, which takes a bit of the pressure off. We are still trying to come up with ways to make an extra $500 a month so I can stay on health insurance.

In the bad, we found out MonsterMustDie's best friend's brain surgery last month was not entirely successful. Rather than being cleared completely of the tumor he had, his doctors have given him a five-year extension on his life, as they say the tumor was malignant and they could not possibly remove every last bit of it without killing him. He and his wife are selling their homes in Birmingham, AL and Asheville, NC to consolidate everything in a new place just 20-minutes outside of Asheville, where their son is in college. Just as MonsterMustDie is trying to reconnect with this couple, time is running out.

I am hoping I can get a lot more work in at my part-time job. I am still looking for full-time work or at least something with better pay and more regular hours. I am still trying to come up with something to do independently that would generate income as well. In a perfect world, I could have my own business.

In other news, here are a few photos from my trip to Florida to visit friends in Cape Coral last month.

Argh!

Just started to roll down my car window and a flyer someone stuck on it slipped entirely into the door,  never to be seen again.  I will be very unhappy if this causes the window to cease functioning in the future. 

Snow Day

It started snowing around 5:00PM yesterday before I left work at my retail job. I wasn't scheduled for that day but they called me in and, since I'm close by, I agreed to fill in for a while. When I worked on Thursday we hardly had any customers while  the grocery store next door was slammed with people cleaning out the produce and dairy shelves. In retrospect, I should have passed on working because I was so sick with the cold I caught at the movie theatre last week. 
We woke up this morning to about 6 inches on the ground of the fluffy white stuff and it has continued to fall all day. Now, the skies are clearing and it is stunning bright outside agains deep blue skies. Phillipe and Liz stopped by to visit and wax his snow board before playing down the street.  I am scheduled to work again early tomorrow morning but I really hope they decide to keep the store closed for a day. I plan to phone in to be certain I need to be there before making MonsterMustDie drive me to work while I am still sick and snotty. 

My visit to meet Jennifer and her family in Florida last week was good. All of my anxiety over the trip was gone afte the first day there. She has a very large family - I'm gonna need a chart to keep up with who's who. Looking forward to visiting again and getting to know everyone better. 

The past falls away.

Friends of my mother's have asked me why Maurice is saying horrible things about me online. I haven't seen any of this and I am sorry they are upset by it.

I've stopped talking to Maurice since my mother died. The first stupid thing out of his mouth when she died was a smart remark. Then, in a voicemail, he criticized my marriage (although it's not a perfect relationship, I know) with another reference to my mother and my family at large. That was when I decided he was too negative a force in my life at a time when I'm at my lowest point. I told him I just could not deal with him now. He hates not getting what he wants when he wants it. He is proving my decision to be the right one.

That said, I blocked him on Facebook so I did not have to subject myself to him - and then I blocked his son when he started posting things using Tyler's account - so I have no idea what he's been saying about me online. He is welcome to rant all he wants to.

To his credit, he would phone my mother when I asked him to cheer her up. He could talk to her without her being able to make him depressed and she would behave herself much better on the phone with him than she would with me.

In his defense, I know the smart remark, though unbelieveably insensitive and hurtful, was probably something he thought would be humorous and joking about everything is the only way he knows how to react to difficult situations. I just could not take it and I still get close to an anxiety attack just thinking of speaking to him. I believe he does not understand the concept that one of the reasons Mom and I were always at odds with each other is that we were too close to each other - and so he can not possibly understand my feelings now.

The cruel remarks in voicemail were probably his way of trying to push me to respond by calling back in retort and he was probably just trying to break the silence. Not the right way to do that. Very very bad decision on his part.

and so this is Christmas

And this year, Channukka began at sundown on Christmas Eve. Yesterday, I worked from 7AM to 11AM. Looks like I'm back on two 4-hour days a week at my only job now, a little retail gig. Last night, I went with MonsterMustDie to see Rogue One at our local cinema and ended up seated next to a woman who coughed uncontrollably the entire movie. Left my jacket on the back porch and showered as soon as I got home to to rinse the anxiety off of me. 

This morning, we had buttermilk pancakes for breakfast before opening gifts. Lunch was home made brussels sprouts and pickled ginger salad with what little we could pick from the remains of last week's roast duck before I finally threw away the carcass. Tonight, I've got tickets to see the Doctor Who Christmas Special at Geeksboro Coffee. 

Tomorrow, it's back to work for a few hours in the afternoon, followed by grocery shopping and house cleaning. 

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Last night, I severed ties to Murray, a.k.a. Baby Maurice. I had been avoiding speaking to him since my mother's death, because I knew there was nothing good he would say to me and any conversation with him would send me down a negative path. This started when the first words out of his mouth over the phone, while I was grieving with my family the night after she died, was a smart remark. A really nasty remark that he did not think twice about saying.

After all these years, it finally got into my thick head that he is never going to be good for me to be around and has always prevented me from moving on with my life. There were some good times when we were both in our early twenties, but that period was too brief to hold onto. He was always the person who wanted me only when I found someone else and dumped me as soon as I was back around or available. I always wished we could have been friends as well as everything else that we were or were not but he was never a friend. He held onto me and kept me at a distance at the same time. That is neither love nor friendship. It's just possession - and maybe a lot of ego.

I finally hit the OFF switch on everything from him when he started texting nasty things about my mother's death last night just to vent his own anger at my silence. I should have done this on that night in February immediately after that phone call.