anxiety

I have a lot to be thankful for.

My housemate has mad ice driving skills. My car was stuck in ice on Thursday during the only outing I've made all week but I had one good neighbor give me a lift home and, later, he took John to the car where I had to leave it and John was able to get it moving and back home.

I still have money in the bank. Not as much as there was in the past but I haven't had to close or change accounts. Two things keeping me afloat are rent checks from my condo tenant and checks from a law firm handling mesothelioma lawsuits - which is like getting money from my father. He's still taking care of me even though he's been gone for years now. I received the last check a few months ago and it has been paying my rent and groceries, etc.


And now...


Warning: this is a rant post.


Probably just a passing mood that will be resolved by morning, but I feel a need to vent.



I have photo classes in Cobb County on Saturday (today) and Sunday. Everything was still icey outside at sundown. I went to bed early to be fresh for early morning drive. Woke up a few minutes after midnight unable to sleep due to anxiety. My mind can't stop worrying about the drive on Saturday and Sunday. There is no way for me to cancel the classes, so I must go or lose my money and this is one of the first professional workshops I have signed up for in a long time. I feel like Nikon has screwed me again.

Then, worrying about money, I could not stop thinking about my condo and the maintenance of the building on a larger scale with serious waste water issues from collapsed old sewer pipes that the city says it is not responsible because it is on private property (ours and the building behind us) and the insurance company is not responsible for because the damage extends beyond the building in midtown. These are not immediate issues but are looming for the entire block at Piedmont and S. Prado. So I worry that I am screwed for life over that issue eventually.

Then, of course, I started worrying about my job situation and how I can't file for unemployment because my boss does not have to admit I have no job at a company I might go in to one day a week for a few hours. Not that I could get unemployment at this point, as few hours as I've worked in as long a period of time. I hope that a new job comes my way in the next week when things thaw out after MLK Day. I saw a management position a few days ago advertised at $7.00 an hour, which makes me feel hopeless. News crews doing bits on helping the homeless needing coats and blankets while sleeping under bridges makes me feel terminal.

I worry that I made a bad decision years ago moving out to the condo. That move has cost me thousands of dollars from replacing things broken or lost in moving, buying things I did not need before and in repairing the condo after each tenant, with the first tenant being the absolute worse. The property is both a treasure and an albatross. Part of me wishes to be free of it and part of me is very happy to own a place in the city that is located so close to everything. I miss being in midtown although I enjoy living in a house with a yard. If I owned a house, there would be a much bigger garden and a studio of my own. I also fear that, because of my father's creative financing (he was a CPA) and the fact that he co-signed with me for it, the condo might be unsellable. Many things in my family were moved on paper to be partially owned by Perry Investments, a company I've been told in the past no longer exists, which is why my mother still has their old Cadillac in her garage next to the car she drives - she can't sell it. Because there were so many things dealing with my condo that my father had to co-sign for - including refund checks from the mortgage company - I'm nearly certain the same thing is lurking in my own finances.
After my father died, my retirement account disappeared. Having power of attorney already to handle my finances, he and my brother had moved my retirement account account from one mutual fund to another and then off the map entirely. It's gone. There is no finding it.
The year my father died, my sister-in-law let me know that my brother (father's partner in the dead investment company and CPA firm) no longer wanted to do any family taxes. That year, he did my taxes on the easy form and that was the last time he did it. He still takes care of my mother's taxes and finances but that is all he is willing to do. After years of having a very controlling/protective family make all financial decisions for me, I know nothing about taxes, investments, etc. So I let MonsterMustDie do the easy form for me and so far that has been working okay.
This is also why I need a full-time job without the complications of freelancing or working on contract. I'm really not educated for dealing with the IRS and I was raised with a great fear and dread of the tax man. I want to keep our relationship simple and without surprises.