burdened

I've been stressing over the obligation for a film extras gig in an extremely cold, very dusty and unhealthy warehouse that I'm up for next week. I do not want to do this job. I still have a cough from all the dust I breathed in a week ago on this same job. It took days for my legs and hips to stop aching from standing up on a hard concrete floor during 15-hour work days. This is the most brutal background extra job I've been in. It is also the furthest I've had to travel - an hour in the predawn darkness there and another hour, exhausted, after dark. I don't want to do this job but I don't want the possibility of working the future. Some jobs really aren't worth it and this is certainly one of them. I console myself sometimes at these low paying gigs with the thought of at least two, usually three, good meals a day of kraft food but this job also only has one very bad hot meal a day.  I am actually hoping for an ice-storm next week just so I can feel better about saying no.

In an effort to cheer me up and protect me as much as possible from the cold, MonsterMustDie took me shopping at REI and bought me film set supplies like hand-warmers, foot-warmer, a blanket, and gloves. I also got a fun winter hat while we were there, just because I liked it. It was a very sweet thing to give me that even though I said many times before relenting and going shopping with him that I am not making enough money at this to justify buying supplies for work. I am not sure, even with 15-hour days, that it justifies the commute I have to make for it, especially now with the possibility of hitting black ice on the way there. This is something I need to just put out of my head for the weekend.

I also need to step away from the computer more for a while. My only dreams are frustrating images of working, or trying to work, at jobs where I have no instructions and can't read or type anything on screen over and over again. There are dreams about trying to get to work, trying to find where work is and getting lost, etc. in a car that is out of control. I need to somehow break away from the damage to my soul that I've sustained.